February 16, 2012 set

I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than a U.S. Navy dolphin looking for Iranian mines in the Strait of Hormuz. More nervous than Janeane Garofalo walking by a Brazilian waxing salon.

My penis sent a card to my hand on Valentine’s Day but my hand tore it up — so my penis cut him off. I want to be the first man to put his penis in a VCU football cheerleader. That would be like being the first man on the moon.”Virginia is for lovers” is the state slogan but the state practiced eugenics, prosecuted mixed race couples and enshrines gay discrimination in constitution. But what really gets my blood boiling about Virginia’s puritanical laws is the ABC’s rules against nudity and touching in strip clubs. I had to call the cops at 4 in the morning the other night. Apparently they’re filming an episode of “Real Hot Mess Housewives of Richmond, VA” in the apartment below me.
  
Support the troops. Shoot an innocent Afghan civilian. Supreme Court judge gets robbed. Earlier nine thieves dressed in black broke into Florida and stole Al Gore’s presidency.
   
Number of “Houston, we have a problem” jokes on Twitter: 7,843,265. I would say that Whitney Houston is in a better place but she’s in New Jersey. Bobby Brown immediately called Chris Brown for his list of beat freaks. Chris Brown was all over the Grammys like bruises all over Rihanna. Chris Brown won the Grammy for best Rhythm & Black & Blues album. Rihanna performed with Coldplay. Who says it doesn’t get better? After Chris Brown, Rihanna needed an ice pack. Now she just needs a Coldplay. The award for Best Rehabilitation of a Woman Beater goes to the Grammys. Watch your Grammy, people. She may be shitting herself.

I watched the Grammies Sunday night and I still don’t know who won for best comedy album. Presumably because no one gives a shit who won. What, no wardrobe malfunctions, potty mouth or artificial controversies which fill the coffers of the American Family Association at the Grammys? Fuck my life. After this year’s lackluster Grammy Awards, host LL Cool J should not only go back to Cali - he should go back to Mali. I’m losing interest in the Grammy Awards faster than Tony Bennett loses an erection.
      
Paul McCartney performed at the end of the Grammy Awards. He hasn’t been this excited since stabbing John Lennon in the back. Diana Ross hasn’t been this excited since she stabbed another Supreme in the back.  Speaking of has-beens, I saw a commercial about a movie with Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer Aniston is still making movies? I thought she was now a full-time celebrity.   
      
I felt that Lady Reconstruction should have presented the award for Best Record of the Year instead of Lady Antebellum. Heavy D won a Grammy for Best Tweet from Beyond the Grave. Nicki Minaj’s performance at the Grammys was vomit-inducing. More proof there isn’t a God: Nicki Minaj is still alive and Etta James is dead. I thought Drake was going to reveal who shot Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls. What a letdown.

Jay-Z and Kanye West couldn’t accept their Grammy for best rap single. They were too busy counting their money.  Alicia Keys announces the latest winner of the Ric Ocasek Award. If you got that joke, you’re the most culturally literate person in the room. Bruno Mars was all up in Uranus. Apparently that thing on top of Donald Trump’s head has reproduced and attached itself to Bruno Mars’ head.  

To get into the spirit of Katy Perry’s performance at the Grammy Awards, I strapped on my fake breasts. The Beach Boys Grammy tribute put a Woodie into a Surfer Girl. Is that legal? It just isn’t a Beach Boys reunion without their father, Murry Wilson, taking a belt to one of the boys. Wikipedia that joke.  Bruce Springsteen asked the musical question, “Why don’t I give all my money to the poor and STFU?”  
      
Jack Black was outside the Grammys talking about indie cred. WTF. Jack Black has indie cred after “Gulliver’s Travels”? Jack Black has indie cred after “King Kong”?  Who says the American Dream is dead? Even mediocre garage bands like the Foo Fighters can grow up to play and win at the Grammys.         

January 25, 2012 set at Comedy @ the Current in Richmond, VA and various other places:

I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than a ham hock around Paula Deen. More nervous than Sandra Bullock on an Italian cruise. More nervous than a U.S. Navy dolphin looking for Iranian mines in the Strait of Hormuz. More nervous than a 10-year-old boy in a Penn State locker room shower. More nervous than an Afghan in a United States Marine Corps latrine. But I’m also excited. How excited? More excited than Herman Cain on a date with John Huntsman’s daughters. 

Newt Gingrich is surging - IN HIS PANTS. Newt’s second wife claims he wanted an open relationship. For years, Newt Gingrich stayed away from WiFi because he thought it was short for Wife Fidelity. Gingrich will leave Florida January 31 but plans to return during Spring Break to do a “Candidates Gone Wild” video. Ron Paul doesn’t expect to win the Florida primary. However, he does plan to issue a position paper on the role of the early bird special in Austrian economics.

Mitt Romney raised more money from billionaires than Barack Obama. Finally, he can afford days-of-the-week sacred underwear. Nightline says Mitt has a bank account in the Cayman Islands. I have a piggy bank buried on Brown’s Island. The other candidates have criticized Romney for being a venture capitalist. You know you’re a vulture capitalist when Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry and Montgomery Burns call you a vulture capitalist. Romney auditioned for “Undercover Boss,” but no one wanted to watch an episode in which everyone got fired in the end. People criticize Romney for driving to Canada with the family dog on the roof of the car. The final straw was when Romney drove from New Hampshire to South Carolina with Newt Gingrich strapped on the hood. Romney observed Martin Luther King Jr. Day by driving from Memphis to Myrtle Beach with a striking sanitation worker on the roof of his car.

Florida strip clubs observe MLK day, which gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, “The South will rise again.” King would be spinning in his grave but he’s too busy getting a lap dance from Rosa Parks. Mitt Romney’s opponents beat up on him so badly he’s asked his relatives to smuggle him into Mexico. Michelle Obama appeared on iCarly. Romney retaliated by appearing as an extra in “I, Robot.” Romney compared to a robot; Obama compared to Spock. I can’t tell whether I’m watching CNN or the Syfy Channel. Romney uses Kid Rock’s “Born Free” as his campaign song. If he were an honest politician, he would have chosen “Fuck You Blind.”  I want to apologize for saying Romney changed positions more often than Pamela Anderson. He’s changed positions more often than Jenna Jameson. Romney says he’ll do well in Florida because the state has always welcomed flip-floppers. Romney’s plan B is he’s not elected president: marry the Huntsman girls and star in a reality TV version of “Big Love.”

Porn sites don’t black out to protest the Stop Online Piracy Act like Wikipedia. Instead, they doubled their buffering rate. The difference between cable tv and internet porn: with cable tv, you pay for shows you used to watch for free. With internet porn, you watch shows for free that you used to pay for.

I don’t understand the outrage over U.S. Marines urinating on Taliban corpses. They were just peebowing. That was a piss-poor pun. I’m sure the same thing happened in Vietnam. They don’t call it triple-canopy jungle for nothing. This leaves a stain on the Marine Corps but I’m sure they’ll be able to shake it off. Committing atrocities in Iraq, descrating corpses in Aghanistan. The USMC is adding a verse to their anthem, “from Haditha to uretha.”

A lot of hand-wringing and second guessing at MTV executive suites - sending the cast of “Jersey Shore” to Italy but failing to book them on a cruise.

The FDA says Avastin doesn’t work on ovarian cancer… which is confusing, because I always thought Avastin was an erectile dysfunction drug for pirates.

Thank you. My name is Chris Martin. Don’t forget to tip your bartender, Shane.