Stand-up comedian Chris Martin’s set at the 9:55 Comedy Club’s open mic February 6, 2012 and Daddio’s, the Current, McCormack’s Irish Pub and Pie in Richmond, VA:

Our next comedian refuses to watch any Super Bowl that doesn’t have a team playing with a derogatory Native American nickname.

I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? My mouth is dryer than Betty White’s vagina.

 
The Mentalist is so perceptive he can actually tell the difference between gladiatorial combat and football. I’m trying to decide which is more homo-erotic: “Spartacus,” the Super Bowl or the H&M David Beckham Body Armor ad. I got into the real spirit of the Super Bowl by holding my tailgate party at the traumatic brain injury unit of the Mayo Clinic. I really wanted to be at Charlie Sheen’s Super Bowl tailgate party, snorting cocaine off the whale tails of porno stars.

I don’t know about you, but the most exciting moment of the Super Bowl for me was when a Miami Dolphin ran onto the field, raped Tom Brady and then ran up into the sky boxes and raped Giselle Bundchen and Rush Limbaugh.

I kept waiting for the commercials to end and the football to begin so I can take a leak. I had a Super Bowl movement or as I like to call it, spiking it in the end zone, if you know what I mean. David Beckham appeared in an ad showing a lot of skin for H&M Body Armor. Finally, an asshole with more tattoos than Janeane Garofalo. I want to apologize for calling David Beckham and Janeane Garofalo assholes. I meant to call them douchebags. Godaddy’s Super Bowl commercial had a semi-nude Danica Patrick shooting an elephant, Kim Dotcom and founder Bob Parsons in the foot. Great Apple Super Bowl ad with Steve Jobs in gym shorts running through a Chinese assembly line, throwing tiny hammers though iPad screens. The Apple sky box at the Super Bowl has spicy hot chicken wings with hexane. They’re hawwt. Clint Eastwood did a commercial for Chrysler, driving around Detroit in a Gran Torino with Clyde the Orangutan riding shotgun. Holy crap, did Clint Eastwood get a tracheotomy and a lobotomy? He’s one vocal cord away from sounding like Robert Kennedy Jr. I live in Byrd Park and I heard someone screaming all the way over in Carytown. It was just Ray Bullock having an orgasm during “The Marvel Avengers” Super Bowl ad. Ad for “John Carter,” the movie about the Edgar Rice Burroughs character on Mars. I’m really psyched about the special guest appearance by Jar Jar Binks.

Super Bowl half-time shows were a lot better when Leni Riefenstahl directed them. A last minute addition to the Super Bowl half time show: George Orwell and GoDaddy founder Bob Parsons in an elephant shooting contest.The most exciting moment during the Super Bowl half time show: Madonna’s wardrobe malfunction when her hip replacement popped out. Madonna has a new designer perfume which smells like wrinkled labia and creative exhaustion but they love the smell of it in Hollywood.

Singer Seal spotted on the sidelines of the Lingerie Bowl scouting for his next wife. To honor Mitt Romney, all participants in the Lingerie Bowl wore sacred underwear and only ran plays in the missionary position.

Eli Manning is going to Disney World. All those NFL cheerleaders who moonlight as strippers are just going to Orlando.

 
Saver: Mitch Hedberg came to me in a dream and said that joke would suck.

Mid-October, 2011 set performed at the 9:55 Comedy Club, McCormack’s Irish Pub and Cafe Diem open mics in Richmond, VA.
 
It’s Columbus Day. If you really want to get into the spirit of Columbus Day, rob a Seven-11 and kill the owner. Last month was World Alzheimer’s Month. I wanted to observe it but I forgot.
 
I’m excited to be here. How excited? More excited than Amanda Knox at an orgy. Good news: Amanda Knox’s murder conviction is overturned. Bad news: she’s been sentenced to spend a season on ‘“Jersey Shore” in Italy. Spoiler alert for “Jersey Shore”: in the dramatic finale, the Situation gets herpes on his Genoa salami. TLC canceled “Kate Plus Eight.” Kate Goselin will team up with Casey Anthony for a new reality TV show, “Kate Plus Casey Minus Eight.”

Ratings are down for “Dancing with the Stars.” That’s understandable. It’s hard to say whose wardrobe malfunction the audience is more worried about: Nancy Grace or Chaz Bono. The Mentalist is so perceptive, he can actually tell the difference between Erin Burnett and Erica Hill. “The Playboy Club” gets canceled after three shows. A bitter Hugh Hefner says, “I’ve had Viagra erections that lasted longer.” Christina Applegate is the star of “Up All Night,” a sitcom about a couple with a new baby. If Christina breastfeeds the baby, that will be some real acting. George Lopez lost his job as a late night talk show host on TNT. Things are so bad he had to take a job as Craig Ferguson’s pool boy.
 
The bad news: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie won’t make a run for president. The good news: he’ll still make a run to Krispy Kreme. The bad news: Sarah Palin says she won’t run for president. The good news: she’s considering another run at Glen Rice. Texas Governor Rick Perry likes to talk about seceding from the United States. It got so bad the other day his hairpiece seceded from his head. Michelle Obama shopped incognito at Target and picked up a copy of “One-Term Presidency for Dummies” by Jimmy Carter at 20 percent off.

I realize the Apple iPhone 4S announcement was a big disappointment. I still feel Steve Jobs
 overreacted. Steve Jobs is not dead. He’s just extensively product testing the iCoffin.
 
I had the $5 three-piece chicken special at Aunt Sarah’s Pancake House. Aunt Sarah’s Pancake House is where the people of Walmart go when they want to make fun of people. “Ooh, he’s too fat.” The chicken wasn’t free range. It was sit on a couch, smoke a bowl and watch tiddlywinks on ESPN chicken. This chicken wasn’t organic. It had more antibiotics in it than a 60-year-old San Francisco AIDS patient.