My November 29, 2010 stand-up comedy set at Strange Matters in Richmond, VA and probably some other places I’ve forgotten.

I’m not used to performing this far up. This is the highest I’ve been since 1968. The bad news: I have tinnitus from all those concerts I went to in the sixties. The good news: the ringing in my ears drowns out the voices in my head. I got a $24 flu shot from Target. However, I declined the $50 colonoscopy in the men’s room. I’m so poor my Dish Network is made of paper plates. I’m worried I’m not getting enough flotsam and jetsam in my diet.

President Barack Obama pardons two turkeys for Thanksgiving. You would think George W. Bush and Dick Cheney would be grateful, but they weren’t. Chia offers a special edition Barack Obama Chia Pet. For those without a green thumb, there’s the James Carville Chia Pet. Sarah Palin got filmed clubbing fish in her new reality tv show, “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” on TLC. Maybe they should have called it “Deadliest Snatch.”

Zombies make things simple around the holidays. You ask zombies what they’re grateful for on Thanksgiving, and they say, “Brains.” I wonder whether they like cornea on the cob? You ask them what zombies want for Christmas, and they say, “Brains.” You ask what their New Year’s resolution is, and they say, “Eat more brains.” Reports surfaced that trapped miners considered cannibalism. If it had come to that, at least they would have had plenty of Chile. Why don’t you ever hear about Rastafarian werewolves killing people? By the time they get through braiding their dreadlocks, it’s daylight. Not to mention all that herb mellows them out. I had a great time at the Haunted House of Foreclosure on Halloween. Especially scary were the Jobless Recession and the Endless Quagmire. I wonder whether Blacula’s skin ever gets ashy. I wonder whether Blacula ever teams up with Crackula.

 I got unfollowed on Twitter by an urban taxidermist. Should I tell her to stuff it? Kroger advertises the Cricut as the perfect cutting system. I thought the perfect crying and cutting system was a 15-year-old girl.

Europeans persecute Gypsies. Meanwhile, a band of wanderers that really is a public nuisance goes without punishment: mimes.

Full body scans at airports suggest a new slogan for the TSA: “We make a spectacle of your testicles.” It used to be you could see the USA in your Chevrolet. Now you can really see the USA in the TSA.

Porpoises saved Dick Van Dyke when he drifted out to sea on his surfboard. It turns out they were actually out searching for Gilligan. If there are alien human/hybrids out there, it’s probably the Olsen Twins. Someone should get Glenn Beck a Thundershirt. The director of “Secretariat” also directed “Braveheart” so he had a lot of experience working with horses’ asses.

Contrary to popular belief, Avastin is not a drug used to treat erectile dysfunction in pirates.

Here’s my impression of Jesus working at a fast food restaurant: “Do you want loaves with those fishes?” Like the Catholic Church, Starbucks wants us to “take comfort in rituals.” I can’t wait until the first time a barista sodomizes me.