January 25, 2012 set at Comedy @ the Current in Richmond, VA and various other places:
I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than a ham hock around Paula Deen. More nervous than Sandra Bullock on an Italian cruise. More nervous than a U.S. Navy dolphin looking for Iranian mines in the Strait of Hormuz. More nervous than a 10-year-old boy in a Penn State locker room shower. More nervous than an Afghan in a United States Marine Corps latrine. But I’m also excited. How excited? More excited than Herman Cain on a date with John Huntsman’s daughters.
Newt Gingrich is surging - IN HIS PANTS. Newt’s second wife claims he wanted an open relationship. For years, Newt Gingrich stayed away from WiFi because he thought it was short for Wife Fidelity. Gingrich will leave Florida January 31 but plans to return during Spring Break to do a “Candidates Gone Wild” video. Ron Paul doesn’t expect to win the Florida primary. However, he does plan to issue a position paper on the role of the early bird special in Austrian economics.
Mitt Romney raised more money from billionaires than Barack Obama. Finally, he can afford days-of-the-week sacred underwear. Nightline says Mitt has a bank account in the Cayman Islands. I have a piggy bank buried on Brown’s Island. The other candidates have criticized Romney for being a venture capitalist. You know you’re a vulture capitalist when Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry and Montgomery Burns call you a vulture capitalist. Romney auditioned for “Undercover Boss,” but no one wanted to watch an episode in which everyone got fired in the end. People criticize Romney for driving to Canada with the family dog on the roof of the car. The final straw was when Romney drove from New Hampshire to South Carolina with Newt Gingrich strapped on the hood. Romney observed Martin Luther King Jr. Day by driving from Memphis to Myrtle Beach with a striking sanitation worker on the roof of his car.
Florida strip clubs observe MLK day, which gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, “The South will rise again.” King would be spinning in his grave but he’s too busy getting a lap dance from Rosa Parks. Mitt Romney’s opponents beat up on him so badly he’s asked his relatives to smuggle him into Mexico. Michelle Obama appeared on iCarly. Romney retaliated by appearing as an extra in “I, Robot.” Romney compared to a robot; Obama compared to Spock. I can’t tell whether I’m watching CNN or the Syfy Channel. Romney uses Kid Rock’s “Born Free” as his campaign song. If he were an honest politician, he would have chosen “Fuck You Blind.” I want to apologize for saying Romney changed positions more often than Pamela Anderson. He’s changed positions more often than Jenna Jameson. Romney says he’ll do well in Florida because the state has always welcomed flip-floppers. Romney’s plan B is he’s not elected president: marry the Huntsman girls and star in a reality TV version of “Big Love.”
Porn sites don’t black out to protest the Stop Online Piracy Act like Wikipedia. Instead, they doubled their buffering rate. The difference between cable tv and internet porn: with cable tv, you pay for shows you used to watch for free. With internet porn, you watch shows for free that you used to pay for.
I don’t understand the outrage over U.S. Marines urinating on Taliban corpses. They were just peebowing. That was a piss-poor pun. I’m sure the same thing happened in Vietnam. They don’t call it triple-canopy jungle for nothing. This leaves a stain on the Marine Corps but I’m sure they’ll be able to shake it off. Committing atrocities in Iraq, descrating corpses in Aghanistan. The USMC is adding a verse to their anthem, “from Haditha to uretha.”
A lot of hand-wringing and second guessing at MTV executive suites - sending the cast of “Jersey Shore” to Italy but failing to book them on a cruise.
The FDA says Avastin doesn’t work on ovarian cancer… which is confusing, because I always thought Avastin was an erectile dysfunction drug for pirates.
Thank you. My name is Chris Martin. Don’t forget to tip your bartender, Shane.
