May 5, 2012 set

I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than a prostitute on a date with a Secret Service agent. A Confederate Secret Service agent got in trouble with a Columbian prostitute - he paid - but with Confederate money. What’s worse, he kept saying he would rise again - but he never did. Newt Gingrich promised to put a base on the moon but he dropped out of the presidential race.

I’m still running for president and I promise to put a base on Mars - with three-breasted prostitutes, the way God and Arnold Schwarzenegger intended. Three-breasted prostitutes - no wonder the Secret Service is willing to take a bullet for me. Barack Obama was in Richmond today to unveil his new campaign slogan, “A chicken in every pot and a drone strike in every Pakistani village.” Obama promised to get even tougher on terrorists. In fact, he just got rid of Bo, the Portuguese water dog in the White House and replaced him with an CIA waterboarding dog.

I watch a lot of insurance commercials on TV. It’s hard to say which would be worse to sit on your face, the Elephant from Elephant Insurance, the AFLAC duck, or Flo from Progressive Insurance. I want to be the first man to put his penis in a VCU football cheerleader’s penis, because that would the Richmond equivalent of being the first man on the moon - or the first Secret Service agent to sleep with a three-breasted prostitute on Mars. I got a email from Playboy and the subject line read, “Sexy Playboy girls want you,” which piqued my interest. But when I opened it, it said, “to stop paying for Hugh Hefner’s Viagra.” Kind of a letdown - like Hugh Hefner’s penis - and mine.

It’s a second anniversary of the Gulf oil spill. I’m an eco-terrorist so I retaliate by jerking off in BP bathrooms. A guy named Mr. PeePee plans to masturbate in all 298 New York City Starbucks. I won’t be impressed unless they’re double shots. Looks like I’m going to have to have a root canal. I’ve already spent $3,000 on dental work. For that kind of money, I want Scarlett Johanssen in my mouth, not some middle-aged guy from Federicksburg.

What’s the difference between a tramp stamp and a sleeve tattoo? None, they’re both right next to assholes. What’s the difference between a horse’s tail and a pony tail on a middle-aged guy. None, they’re both right next to assholes.

Thank you. It’s been a gas. Be sure and tip your bartender, ____. Welcome back to the stage, …

Saver: Mitch Hedberg came to me in a dream and said that joke would suck.

January 25, 2012 set at Comedy @ the Current in Richmond, VA and various other places:

I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than a ham hock around Paula Deen. More nervous than Sandra Bullock on an Italian cruise. More nervous than a U.S. Navy dolphin looking for Iranian mines in the Strait of Hormuz. More nervous than a 10-year-old boy in a Penn State locker room shower. More nervous than an Afghan in a United States Marine Corps latrine. But I’m also excited. How excited? More excited than Herman Cain on a date with John Huntsman’s daughters. 

Newt Gingrich is surging - IN HIS PANTS. Newt’s second wife claims he wanted an open relationship. For years, Newt Gingrich stayed away from WiFi because he thought it was short for Wife Fidelity. Gingrich will leave Florida January 31 but plans to return during Spring Break to do a “Candidates Gone Wild” video. Ron Paul doesn’t expect to win the Florida primary. However, he does plan to issue a position paper on the role of the early bird special in Austrian economics.

Mitt Romney raised more money from billionaires than Barack Obama. Finally, he can afford days-of-the-week sacred underwear. Nightline says Mitt has a bank account in the Cayman Islands. I have a piggy bank buried on Brown’s Island. The other candidates have criticized Romney for being a venture capitalist. You know you’re a vulture capitalist when Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry and Montgomery Burns call you a vulture capitalist. Romney auditioned for “Undercover Boss,” but no one wanted to watch an episode in which everyone got fired in the end. People criticize Romney for driving to Canada with the family dog on the roof of the car. The final straw was when Romney drove from New Hampshire to South Carolina with Newt Gingrich strapped on the hood. Romney observed Martin Luther King Jr. Day by driving from Memphis to Myrtle Beach with a striking sanitation worker on the roof of his car.

Florida strip clubs observe MLK day, which gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, “The South will rise again.” King would be spinning in his grave but he’s too busy getting a lap dance from Rosa Parks. Mitt Romney’s opponents beat up on him so badly he’s asked his relatives to smuggle him into Mexico. Michelle Obama appeared on iCarly. Romney retaliated by appearing as an extra in “I, Robot.” Romney compared to a robot; Obama compared to Spock. I can’t tell whether I’m watching CNN or the Syfy Channel. Romney uses Kid Rock’s “Born Free” as his campaign song. If he were an honest politician, he would have chosen “Fuck You Blind.”  I want to apologize for saying Romney changed positions more often than Pamela Anderson. He’s changed positions more often than Jenna Jameson. Romney says he’ll do well in Florida because the state has always welcomed flip-floppers. Romney’s plan B is he’s not elected president: marry the Huntsman girls and star in a reality TV version of “Big Love.”

Porn sites don’t black out to protest the Stop Online Piracy Act like Wikipedia. Instead, they doubled their buffering rate. The difference between cable tv and internet porn: with cable tv, you pay for shows you used to watch for free. With internet porn, you watch shows for free that you used to pay for.

I don’t understand the outrage over U.S. Marines urinating on Taliban corpses. They were just peebowing. That was a piss-poor pun. I’m sure the same thing happened in Vietnam. They don’t call it triple-canopy jungle for nothing. This leaves a stain on the Marine Corps but I’m sure they’ll be able to shake it off. Committing atrocities in Iraq, descrating corpses in Aghanistan. The USMC is adding a verse to their anthem, “from Haditha to uretha.”

A lot of hand-wringing and second guessing at MTV executive suites - sending the cast of “Jersey Shore” to Italy but failing to book them on a cruise.

The FDA says Avastin doesn’t work on ovarian cancer… which is confusing, because I always thought Avastin was an erectile dysfunction drug for pirates.

Thank you. My name is Chris Martin. Don’t forget to tip your bartender, Shane.

January 11, 2011 set performed at Comedy @ MacCormack’s Irish Pub in Richmond, Virginia and various other places.

I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than Saif Al-Islam Gadaffi watching “Hang Em High” on Turner Classic Movies. Herman Cain admitted he quoted from Pokemon during his campaign. Shouldn’t he have been quoting from Pokewoman? For years, Newt Gingrich stayed away from WiFi because he thought it was short for Wife Fidelity. Rick Perry had 99 problems but he forgot 97 of them.

Mitt Romney has raised more money from billionaires than Barack Obama. Finally, he’ll be able to afford days-of-the-week sacred underwear. Michael Jackson had sacred underwear: size S tightie-whities. Mitt Romney’s opponents are beating up on him so badly he’s asked his relatives to smuggle him into Mexico. Romney is using Kid Rock’s “Born Free” as his campaign song. If he were an honest politician, he would have chosen “Fuck You Blind.” Romney has changed positions more often than Pamela Anderson.

I hope everyone had a great holiday. Lot of movies come out during Christmas. Nothing says Christmas release like a Steven Spielberg movie about a horse in World War I. Spielberg finished filming his Lincoln movie in Richmond and moved onto Petersburg. Spielberg asked Lincoln to come up with a jazzier name for the Civil War. I’m not sure Occupy the South is better. An actor kept coming up  to Daniel Day-Lewis, who plays Lincoln, and asking him if he was ready for his close-up. The only problem: the actor’s name was John Wilkes Booth. Jane Fonda got bamboo skewers for $1.69 from Kroger as a stocking stuffer for John McCain. For Christmas, I got Tim Tebow a copy of Christopher Hitchens’ book, “God is not Great: How Religion Ruins Everything,” kneepads and a ball gag. I got a quesedilla maker for Christmas. Now all I have to do is go to the Lowe’s parking lot and pick her up. I did return the Chia Vagina I got for Christmas. A lot of people returned the Barack Obama dildos they got for Christmas because it was long on promises and short on delivery. Bad ideas for Hanukkah gifts: Anthony Weiner matzo balls… the Anne Frank Easy-Bake Oven. 

Another New Year, the passage of time. When did Jamie Lee Curtis become Judi Dench? Damn you, Activia. Chow Yun-Fat’s New Year’s resolution: to become Chow Yun-Skinny. I drank so much on New Year’s Eve I used my Kindle Fire for kindling. It’s been a mild winter so far but I’m predicting a lot of snow. How much snow? More snow than in Billy Mays’ nose. I bought one of those Amish miracle heaters. You’d be surprised how hard it is to set those beards on fire.

Nick Cannon may need a kidney. If we’re lucky, Mariah Carey will donate a lung — preferably two. I knew Katy Perry would break up with Russell Brand once she started hanging out with Elmo. Once you go Muppet, you never go back. The FDA says Avastin doesn’t work on ovarian cancer… which is confusing, because I always thought Avastin was an erectile dysfunction drug for pirates. 

Thank you. My name is Chris Martin. Don’t forget to tip your bartender, Austin.

Image via Wikipedia

Stand-up comedy set performed at Cafe Diem Comedy Night in Richmond, VA June 20, 2011

A man got arrested for masturbating on a United Flight. A movie is already in the works: trouser snakes on a plane. The Pillsbury Doughboy celebrated his fifty-first birthday. Sadly, he never recovered from getting poked by the Michelin Man. His only consolation is that the Michelin Man used a rubber. Here’s a tip from former Representative Anthony Weiner: in a pinch, you can always use a Pompeii juice bottle as a butt plug. Weiner resigned after taking naughty photos in the House of Representatives gym. What a dumbass. He should do what I do: take them in the photo booth at the New York Deli.

I was in McDonald’s in Carytown the other day and a bunch of Vietnamese women were screaming at each other in one of the back booths. Hey, if I wanted to hear a bunch of Vietnamese women screaming, I wouldn’t have worked so hard to beat the draft in 1971.

Katie Couric has left the CBS News. The only audience for Katie is men who fantasize about coming on her face. The only audience for Diane Sawyer is women who fantasize about kicking her ass. The only audience for Brian Williams is men who fantasize about him getting gang-raped in a Serbian prison. And the only audience for Jim Lehrer of the PBS News Hour is people who fantasize about him stroking out on the air.

They found Blackbeard’s anchor off the coast of North Carolina. However, they’re still searching for any trace of originality in “Pirates of the Caribbean: on Stranger Tides.” And they’re still trying to find Captain Jack Sparrow’s sexual orientation.

Tonight is John Reaves’ last supper — at Cafe Diem, anyway. But he’ll be back in the Jesus of Comedy tour with James Paulk and Bill Metzger. I call him Spicoli but I also call him a friend — even though I once nearly had him dragged from his car and beaten to death. And I nearly got him pregnant with child. That’s his story, anyway. The other night, John Reaves did comedy with three women he had fucked in the audience, tying Blake Midgette’s record. Though to be fair, I should point out that he hadn’t fisted any of them like Blake. He has had his finger in more pies than Kirstie Alley: improv, sketch and stand-up. He’s done more collaborating than the French: the Undergrads with Omari Brown, which produced “Nippy & Skippy,” the “Single White Female” of sketch comedy, “Sassy Junior,” a zine with David Marie-Garland, a radio show with Ben Kohler and DMG, and the list goes on and on. He only has two character defects: all that time he’s spent with David Marie-Garland and he still doesn’t know the difference between shampoo and salad dressing. And an inexplicable love for Janeane Garofalo, who Ray Bullock so pungently described as “batshit crazy.” Welcome back to the stage the future boy from New York City, Mr. John Reaves.