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My set at Cafe Diem Comedy Night, the New York Deli, McCormack’s Irish Pub and the 9:55 Comedy Club open mic.

The next comic to do a Casey Anthony joke gets a free roll of duct tape. I’m always nervous before I do stand-up comedy. More nervous than Russell Crowe at a circumcision. I just got out of the hospital. I was planking when I started to rickroll and fell off a five-story meme.

Another hot summer. I finally understand why it took so long for Grant to take Richmond. It was too damn hot. It was so hot in Richmond back then, Jefferson Davis actually fled the capitol of the confederacy in a bikini rather than a dress. It’s so hot in Richmond, Virginia today that people are drowning themselves in the James River on purpose. It’s so hot in Richmond that I saw pitcher for the Flying Squirrels icing his balls instead of his elbow. It was so hot in Washington, DC that Dick Cheney waterboarded himself. It was so hot in New York City that Kim Kardashian had an air conditioner implanted in her butt. It was so hot in Los Angeles that Lindsay Lohan had to rely on an air condition to supply her blow.

The bad news: A Southwest Airlines pilot mistakenly broadcast a sexist, obscenity-filled rant over the air. The good news: it woke up some sleeping air traffic controllers. Other than that, Charlie Sheen is performing well in his new job.

MySpace got sold and laid off half its employees. It’s so bad I saw Tom standing on a street corner with a sign that read, “Will be your friend for food.” I’m trying to fill the hole created by the dissolution the hacking group, LulzSec. I’m putting SuperGlue on coffee pots in Seven-11s.

Virginia gives $1 to the slave burial site in Shockoe Bottom. The money will be used to add a section for African-American hopes and dreams. Germany will ship radioactive waste to Virginia. However, the state is drawing the line at oven ashes. To mark the second anniversary of Michael Jackson’s death, Janet Jackson deflated her implants to half mast. Roger Ebert tweets “Friends don’t left Jackasses drive drunk” after Ryan Dunn dies in a car crash, he apologizes. Let’s face it, the guy is a bigger pussy than Garfield. The inventor of the Weed Wacker is dead at 85. He died in a tragic accident involving his new invention, the Tally Wacker.

Scandalous but true: Bradley Cooper’s girlfriend’s nickname for his penis is “Mini-Cooper.” Imagine my disappointment when I learned that the Red Lobster Festival of Shrimp is not a Tom Cruise and Michael J. Fox film retrospective. July 1 was Canada Day. I like to think of Canada as America’s mini-me.

That’s my time. My name is Chris Martin. Thanks.

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My November 29, 2010 stand-up comedy set at Strange Matters in Richmond, VA and probably some other places I’ve forgotten.

I’m not used to performing this far up. This is the highest I’ve been since 1968. The bad news: I have tinnitus from all those concerts I went to in the sixties. The good news: the ringing in my ears drowns out the voices in my head. I got a $24 flu shot from Target. However, I declined the $50 colonoscopy in the men’s room. I’m so poor my Dish Network is made of paper plates. I’m worried I’m not getting enough flotsam and jetsam in my diet.

President Barack Obama pardons two turkeys for Thanksgiving. You would think George W. Bush and Dick Cheney would be grateful, but they weren’t. Chia offers a special edition Barack Obama Chia Pet. For those without a green thumb, there’s the James Carville Chia Pet. Sarah Palin got filmed clubbing fish in her new reality tv show, “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” on TLC. Maybe they should have called it “Deadliest Snatch.”

Zombies make things simple around the holidays. You ask zombies what they’re grateful for on Thanksgiving, and they say, “Brains.” I wonder whether they like cornea on the cob? You ask them what zombies want for Christmas, and they say, “Brains.” You ask what their New Year’s resolution is, and they say, “Eat more brains.” Reports surfaced that trapped miners considered cannibalism. If it had come to that, at least they would have had plenty of Chile. Why don’t you ever hear about Rastafarian werewolves killing people? By the time they get through braiding their dreadlocks, it’s daylight. Not to mention all that herb mellows them out. I had a great time at the Haunted House of Foreclosure on Halloween. Especially scary were the Jobless Recession and the Endless Quagmire. I wonder whether Blacula’s skin ever gets ashy. I wonder whether Blacula ever teams up with Crackula.

 I got unfollowed on Twitter by an urban taxidermist. Should I tell her to stuff it? Kroger advertises the Cricut as the perfect cutting system. I thought the perfect crying and cutting system was a 15-year-old girl.

Europeans persecute Gypsies. Meanwhile, a band of wanderers that really is a public nuisance goes without punishment: mimes.

Full body scans at airports suggest a new slogan for the TSA: “We make a spectacle of your testicles.” It used to be you could see the USA in your Chevrolet. Now you can really see the USA in the TSA.

Porpoises saved Dick Van Dyke when he drifted out to sea on his surfboard. It turns out they were actually out searching for Gilligan. If there are alien human/hybrids out there, it’s probably the Olsen Twins. Someone should get Glenn Beck a Thundershirt. The director of “Secretariat” also directed “Braveheart” so he had a lot of experience working with horses’ asses.

Contrary to popular belief, Avastin is not a drug used to treat erectile dysfunction in pirates.

Here’s my impression of Jesus working at a fast food restaurant: “Do you want loaves with those fishes?” Like the Catholic Church, Starbucks wants us to “take comfort in rituals.” I can’t wait until the first time a barista sodomizes me.

Transcript of Chris Martin’s stand-up comedy set, July 18 - August 10, 2010. Peformed at Cafe Diem Comedy Night, Refried Comedy @ Aztek Grill, the Buckin’ Comedy Throwdown at Gibson’s Grill, the 9:55 Comedy Club and Fallout’s open mic in Richmond, VA and at Benny’s in Colonial Heights, VA and Wabi-Sabi in Petersburg, VA and some places I can’t think of right now.

It’s all down hill from here, folks. I attempted stand-up comedy in Colonial Heights recently. I’m not saying I bombed but they changed the name to Colonial Depths after I left.

Wikipedia

I did an open mic in Charlottesville last week where the Lewis & Clark Expedition jumped off. A lot of the people on stage also explorers - explorers of comedy. And like the members of the Lewis & Clark Expedition, they’re going to die at an early age from STDs.

It’s summer in Richmond. The days are longer, the skirts are shorter and people are drowning in the James. I now know why it took General Grant so long to take Richmond. It was too freaking hot. It was so hot, Jefferson Davis actually fled the capitol of the Confederacy in a bikini instead of a dress. Another sign of summer: the Purple Martins have returned to Shockoe Bottom. But you don’t have to go to Shockoe Bottom to see a purple Martin. Just swing by my place around midnight. I must warn you, I’m still getting the hang of auto-erotic asphyxiation. I ran into a black guy in Shockoe Bottom and asked him how he was doing. He answered, “I’m just hangin’.” In other words, things haven’t changed that much in 200 years. Too soon?

Imagine my disappointment when I found out that “Throw another shrimp on the barbie” wasn’t a Verne Troyer sex tape. I tried the spicy Asian shrimp at Applebee’s. Next time, I’m ordering it off the menu.

Al Gore via last.fm

It’s hot all over the country. It’s so hot, Dick Cheney asked to be waterboarded. Cheney was rushed to the hospital with discomfort. It turned out Al Gore gave him an abdominal massage. A masseuse’s claim that Al Gore tried to get a happy ending lacks credibity — especially since he didn’t Tipper. (Written by Andrew Coalson). It’s so hot, Rush Limbaugh started believing in climate change. That’s not a joke. That’s just wishful thinking on my part. It’s so hot, Rush moved to Alaska, Sarah Palin mistook him for a moose and shot him. They can’t all be comedy gold, people. It’s so hot, even Sarah Palin’s hot flashes are having hot flashes. It was so hot in Los Angeles yesterday, Lindsay Lohan used an air conditioner to supply her blow. It was so hot in LA that Mel Gibson started panting during a normal conversation. Who’s the only agent with a worse business model than Mel Gibson’s agent? A life insurance agent for a Chinese restaurant delivery man in Richmond, Virginia. I’ll explain it to you later. Gibson was wrong to suggest that anyone get gang raped, except perhaps Lindsay Lohan and that annoying Progressive Insurance tv pitchwoman.

States are cracking down on synthetic marijuana. Synthetic marijuana? What’s next? Synthetic Doritos? See, the joke is that Doritos are synthetic. They’re made from Cheetos swept from Seven-11 floors and the crumbled dreams of stand-up comedians. Seven-11 is selling its own brand of beer. It’s just a matter of time before George Michael gets caught in the parking lot slurps a drunkee.

The French parliament has banned the full-length veil. If they really wanted to be popular, they’d ban muffin tops. True Blood spoiler alert: in this season, Sooki gets implants and vacations on the Jersey Shore. I get Sooki and Snooki confused because they both really suck.

Anyone play Mafia Wars on Facebook? I want to play Indian Wars because you get to steal an entire country. Anyone play FarmVille? When you play Farmville in Virginia, you get to close down the school system and deny an entire generation of black children an education. I blame public education for the failure of that joke. Some black folks want reparations for slavery. Your check should arrive around the same time as the first GRTC bus at the Short Pump Mall.  Fired USDA official Shirley Sherrod turned down the offer of a new job. She got a better offer: 40 acres and a mule.

My birthday’s coming up. I’m not going to say how old I am but my bunion and prostate are arguing over which’s bigger. And my penis and my liver are arguing over which is spottier. (Co-written with Jesse Jarvis).  If I lose any more hair on the top of my head, I’m going to have to comb over my back hair. I just started a band called “The Chronic Depressives.” No performing or touring. We just sit around in our underwear contemplating the futility of existence.

The good news: Apple will supply bumpers to solve the iPhone 4 antenna reception problem. The bad news: Toyota will make the bumpers. Apple has delayed production of the black iPhone 4. It turns out it gets lousy reception at KKK rallies.

The former CEO of BP, Tony Hayward, got a job offer from the Pentagon. He’ll be dealing with WikiLeaks instead of sticky leaks.

The Chevrolet Volt allows you to tie your smart phone into OnStar. For an extra $500, David Hasselhoff will come to your house and eat a cheeseburger off your kitchen floor.

Michelle and Sasha Obama vacationed at a ritzy Spanish resort while unemployment in Washington, DC is 10 percent. They did so on the advice of their public relations firm, Gibson and Lohan.

On that low note, that’s my time.

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“It’s so hot that Dick Cheney waterboarded himself.” Stand-up comedian Chris Martin get topical and tropical August 3, 2010 at the Charlottesville Comedy Roundtable’s open mic at the 12th Street Taphouse in Charlottesville, VA.