Stand-up comedian Chris Martin’s set at the 9:55 Comedy Club’s open mic February 6, 2012 and Daddio’s, the Current, McCormack’s Irish Pub and Pie in Richmond, VA:

Our next comedian refuses to watch any Super Bowl that doesn’t have a team playing with a derogatory Native American nickname.

I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? My mouth is dryer than Betty White’s vagina.

 
The Mentalist is so perceptive he can actually tell the difference between gladiatorial combat and football. I’m trying to decide which is more homo-erotic: “Spartacus,” the Super Bowl or the H&M David Beckham Body Armor ad. I got into the real spirit of the Super Bowl by holding my tailgate party at the traumatic brain injury unit of the Mayo Clinic. I really wanted to be at Charlie Sheen’s Super Bowl tailgate party, snorting cocaine off the whale tails of porno stars.

I don’t know about you, but the most exciting moment of the Super Bowl for me was when a Miami Dolphin ran onto the field, raped Tom Brady and then ran up into the sky boxes and raped Giselle Bundchen and Rush Limbaugh.

I kept waiting for the commercials to end and the football to begin so I can take a leak. I had a Super Bowl movement or as I like to call it, spiking it in the end zone, if you know what I mean. David Beckham appeared in an ad showing a lot of skin for H&M Body Armor. Finally, an asshole with more tattoos than Janeane Garofalo. I want to apologize for calling David Beckham and Janeane Garofalo assholes. I meant to call them douchebags. Godaddy’s Super Bowl commercial had a semi-nude Danica Patrick shooting an elephant, Kim Dotcom and founder Bob Parsons in the foot. Great Apple Super Bowl ad with Steve Jobs in gym shorts running through a Chinese assembly line, throwing tiny hammers though iPad screens. The Apple sky box at the Super Bowl has spicy hot chicken wings with hexane. They’re hawwt. Clint Eastwood did a commercial for Chrysler, driving around Detroit in a Gran Torino with Clyde the Orangutan riding shotgun. Holy crap, did Clint Eastwood get a tracheotomy and a lobotomy? He’s one vocal cord away from sounding like Robert Kennedy Jr. I live in Byrd Park and I heard someone screaming all the way over in Carytown. It was just Ray Bullock having an orgasm during “The Marvel Avengers” Super Bowl ad. Ad for “John Carter,” the movie about the Edgar Rice Burroughs character on Mars. I’m really psyched about the special guest appearance by Jar Jar Binks.

Super Bowl half-time shows were a lot better when Leni Riefenstahl directed them. A last minute addition to the Super Bowl half time show: George Orwell and GoDaddy founder Bob Parsons in an elephant shooting contest.The most exciting moment during the Super Bowl half time show: Madonna’s wardrobe malfunction when her hip replacement popped out. Madonna has a new designer perfume which smells like wrinkled labia and creative exhaustion but they love the smell of it in Hollywood.

Singer Seal spotted on the sidelines of the Lingerie Bowl scouting for his next wife. To honor Mitt Romney, all participants in the Lingerie Bowl wore sacred underwear and only ran plays in the missionary position.

Eli Manning is going to Disney World. All those NFL cheerleaders who moonlight as strippers are just going to Orlando.

 
Saver: Mitch Hedberg came to me in a dream and said that joke would suck.

My set at Strange Matter, Leprecomedy @ McCormack’s and the Rashad Stone Benefit at the 9:55 Comedy Club in Richmond, VA December, 2010

I’ve got more baggage than Arianna Huffington checking into the Ritz-Carlton. Sometimes I get depressed but I haven’t taken any medication. Reading the list of side effects of antidepressants is too depressing. I wanted to participate in National Depression Screening Day back in October — but I was too depressed. Anyone watch the show “Hoarders”? I’m not a hoarder – just a clutterer. Cluttering is to hoarding what acne is to leprosy. I think I may be spreading myself too thin. I’m doing stand-up comedy, I’m blogging, I’m shooting and editing video, I’m trying to keep up with technology and gadgets. I’ve got my finger in more pies than Kirstie Alley. I also want to lose 20 pounds. Like Danica Patrick, I’m on Team Seven-11 — the Italian sub division.

Christine O’Donnell, the former candidate for the U.S. Senate who claimed she had dabbled in witchcraft, has formed a political action committe. The PAC will endorse candidates, lobby on issues and recruit more Flying Monkeys.

Chinese restaurants use stereotypes for their names like “China Panda” and “China Dragon.” Why not use more modern stereotypes like “China lead toy,” “China DVD counterfeiter,” “China astrophysicist” and “China molecular biologist.”

I don’t know what to think about this whole WikiLeaks controversy. Which is the bigger offense for PFC Bradley Manning: releasing thousands of secret documents or pretending to listen to a Lady Gaga CD? It’s hard to say who’s getting hated on more — the leaker Julian Asange or the dribbler LeBron James. After ten years in Afghanistan, it looks like we won’t  withdraw until 2014. I don’t know why it’s taking so long. It only took Jon ten years to pull out of Kate. It took 20 years for “Hogan’s Heroes” to arrive and trivialize World War II. We should expect the laugh-filled premiere of “Gitmo Bros” in Afghanistan around 2021. 

The trailer for Mel Gibson’s new movie, “The Beaver,” has just been released. In it, he plays a man who believe his beaver puppet talked him. That’s pretty crazy — almost as crazy as believing the Jews caused all the wars. I’m worried about “Yogi Bear.” It has Justin Timberlake and Dan Aykroyd but it won’t be a truly crappy live action/CGI movie without David Cross. There’s a gritty action movie out about the adventures of a 14-year-old girl and a much-older man. I can’t wait to see “The Roman Polanski story.”

The Metrodome in Minneapolis collapsed after 17 inches of snow. With the heating system, the temperature in the dome dropped into the single digits. It was so cold even the pictures of Brett Favre’s junk on his phone suffered from shrinkage.

I just flew in from the North Pole and boy are my arms tired (wearing dirty Santa cap). The economy’s getting better but things are still rough. It’s so rough, people are using the DMV for their Christmas portraits. Christmas Eve is just around the corner, or as some people refer to it, National Night Out for the Jews. German Christmas carols are the worst. I talking about “I saw Mommy pissing on Santa Claus.” All I wanted for Christmas is for those Tommy Hilfiger commercials to stop. Little known fact: the Three Wise Men were delayed when they stopped to inspect a camel toe. The only problem with the holidays is you’re spending time with dysfunctional people who you don’t really like. But I’m not here to talk about stand-up comedians.

I upgraded to the Chrome OS from the Bronze OS but I’m thinking about switching to the Aluminum OS. I used to listen to Young Jeezy. Now all I do is watch old Swayze. We all know the Wu-Tangs have a clan. But what about the Ting-Tings? My favorite newscaster used to be JuJu Chang but now it’s BuddhistBuddhist Goldberg. If I ever do Rumanian porn, I want to be know as Vlad the Impaler.

Bombing runs: It was funny when I tweeted it. My horoscope said that joke would suck. My psychic said that joke would suck. Doc Brown said that joke would suck.