Chris Martin Comedy

My November 21, 2011 set at Cafe Diem Comedy Night in Richmond, VA with MC Josh Blubaugh, Wil Smith and Josh Horsford.

Video by Silver Persinger.

Trying to find a good Twitter client in Linux is like trying to find an experienced hooker in Amish Country

Late October 2011 set performed at Cafe Diem, McCormack’s Irish Pub and 9:55 Comedy Club open mics in Richmond, VA.

Last month was World Alzheimer’s Month. I wanted to observe it but I forgot. I just installed Linux on an old computer. Trying to find a good Twitter client in Linux is like trying to find an experienced hooker in Amish Country. An Amish clan in Ohio got arrested for the forced shaving of beards. The final straw was when they gave Kelly McGillis a landing strip. Wikipedia that joke.

The Million Moms group is pressuring grocery stores not to stock Ben & Jerry’s Schweddy Balls ice cream. So far, they haven’t taken a position on Brett Favre’s Schweddy Balls. I’m looking forward to Rosie O’Donnell’s Chunky Lesbian myself. I wonder what that tastes like? Chicken. Spoiler alert for “Jersey Shore”: in the dramatic finale, the Situation gets herpes on his Genoa salami. Ratings are down for ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ That’s understandable. It’s hard to say whose wardrobe malfunction the audience is more worried about: Nancy Grace or Chaz Bono.

The Mentalist is so perceptive, he can actually tell the difference between Erin Burdett and Erica Hill. Christina Applegate is the star of “Up All Night,” a sitcom about a couple with a new baby. If Christina breastfeeds the baby, that will be some real acting. Proof there is a God: “Charlie’s Angels” canceled. Proof there isn’t a God: “Hawaii Five-O” is still on. George Lopez lost his job as a late night talk show host on TNT. Things are so bad he’s trying to smuggle himself into Mexico.

Credit: Vanity Fair

Another horrible accident involving Dick Cheney. The former vice president mistook House Speaker John Boehner for a pumpkin and carved up his face. Texas Governor Rick Perry likes to talk about seceding from the United States. It got so bad the other day his hairpiece seceded from his head. Another Baptist pastor who supports Perry called the Mormons a cult. The difference between the Mormons and Scientology: about a hundred years. The Iraq War is winding down. However, we’re still fighting in Afghan valleys deeper than the crevasses in Christiane Amanpour’s face. A German satellite fell to earth over the weekend. In a fit of nostalgia, it tried to crash into Poland for old time’s sake and kill a few more Jews.

Google employees have an expression, eat your own dog food, when they talk about using their own product. The only problem with that: it tastes like Eric Schmidt. I realize the Apple iPhone 4S announcement was a big disappointment. I still feel Steve Jobs overreacted. Steve Jobs is not dead. He’s just extensively product testing the iCoffin. A photo of Michael Jackson in the nude was shown during the trial of his doctor. It’s the most people who have seen Jackson naked since the Baptist Choir of Harlem visited Neverland Ranch.

I had the $5 three-piece chicken special at Aunt Sarah’s Pancake House. Aunt Sarah’s Pancake House is where the people of Walmart go when they want to make fun of people. “Ooh, he’s too fat.” The chicken wasn’t free range. It was sit on a couch, smoke a bowl and watch tiddlywinks on ESPN 2 chicken. This chicken wasn’t organic. It had more antibiotics in it than a 60-year-old San Francisco AIDS patient.

My name is Chris Martin. Thank you. Don’t forget to tip your bartender.

Cafe Diem Comedy Night Oct. 24, 2011 in Richmond, Virginia featuring MC Leo Mairena, Ray Bullock, Chris Martin, and Ben Grant. Video by Silver Persinger.

For more information about this open mic comedy night in Richmond, Virginia, visit their Facebook page,

Hipsta’s Paradise

Komedy Karaoke

Hipsta’s Paradise (to the tune of Coolio’s Gangsta’s Paradise)

August 1, 2011 aty Joe Hafkey’s last open mic at Cafe Diem Comedy Night, Richmond, VA

This is Joe Hafkey’s last open mic at Cafe Diem Comedy Night. It’s a shame because Joe has helped change the face of stand-up comedy in Richmond and he was just getting started. Joe is moving to Austin, Texas to found the Joe Hafkey School of Anger Management for Stand-up Comedians. He’s also has a book coming out in the fall on the subject called, “Shut Up, Faggot.” Michael Richards will write the introduction. Joe says that only iconoclasts like Blake Midgette deserve a roast. All of you who think Joe Hafkey is an iconoclast say, “Fuck, yeah.” I can’t hear you…

Hit it.

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of the Fan

I take a look at my life and realize I need a tan,

Cause I’ve been open micin’ and laughin’ so long that

Even Blake Midgette thinks that my mind is gone.

But I ain’t never crossed a man that didn’t deserve it

Me, be treated like a hack, you know that’s unheard of

You better watch if you talkin’ and where you gawkin’

Or you and your cronies might be walkin’

I really hate to trip but I gotta reloc’-

As I grow I see myself in the cigarette smoke, fool

I’m the kinda C Brian Mann wanna be

On my knees in the night

Doggin’ John Reaves in the room light.

Been spending most our lives living in a hipster’s paradise

Keep spending most our lives living in a hipster’s paradise

This is the situation they got me facin’

I can’t live a normal life, I was raised in the LA comedy scene,

So I gotta be down with the meme.

Too much WTF-listenin’ got me chasin’ the dream.

I’m an VCU-educated fool with alt-comedy on my mind.

Got my mic in my hand and a scene in my eye.

I’m a reloc’ed out hipster, set-trippin snarkster.

If my audience is uncomfortable that don’t arouse my anger, fool.

Bombing ain’t nuthin’ but a heart beat away.

I’m livin’ life on the way to LA, what can I say?

I’m twenty-five now, but will I live to see twenty-six?

The way things are goin’ I’m going to wind up in Austin, Texas the sticks.

Tell me why are we so blind to see

That the jokes we blurt are by you and me.

Been spending most our lives living in a hipsta’s paradise

Keep spending most our lives living in a hipsta’s paradise

Jokes and the funny, funny and the power

Minute after minute, hour after hour

Everybody’s laughin’ but half of them ain’t lookin’

At what’s goin on in the kitchen but the Rock smells what’s cookin’

They say I got ta learn, but nobody’s here to teach me,

If they can’t understand it, how can they reach me?

I guess they can’t; I guess they won’t

I guess I’m gone to Texas; that’s why my life is peachy, fool!

Been spending most our lives living in the hipsta’s paradise

Keep spending most our lives living in the hipsta’s paradise

Tell me why are we so blind to see

That the jokes we blurt are by you and me.

Tell me why are we so blind to see

That the jokes we blurt are by you and me.