Transcript of Chris Martin’s stand-up comedy set, July 18 - August 10, 2010. Peformed at Cafe Diem Comedy Night, Refried Comedy @ Aztek Grill, the Buckin’ Comedy Throwdown at Gibson’s Grill, the 9:55 Comedy Club and Fallout’s open mic in Richmond, VA and at Benny’s in Colonial Heights, VA and Wabi-Sabi in Petersburg, VA and some places I can’t think of right now.
It’s all down hill from here, folks. I attempted stand-up comedy in Colonial Heights recently. I’m not saying I bombed but they changed the name to Colonial Depths after I left.
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I did an open mic in Charlottesville last week where the Lewis & Clark Expedition jumped off. A lot of the people on stage also explorers - explorers of comedy. And like the members of the Lewis & Clark Expedition, they’re going to die at an early age from STDs.
It’s summer in Richmond. The days are longer, the skirts are shorter and people are drowning in the James. I now know why it took General Grant so long to take Richmond. It was too freaking hot. It was so hot, Jefferson Davis actually fled the capitol of the Confederacy in a bikini instead of a dress. Another sign of summer: the Purple Martins have returned to Shockoe Bottom. But you don’t have to go to Shockoe Bottom to see a purple Martin. Just swing by my place around midnight. I must warn you, I’m still getting the hang of auto-erotic asphyxiation. I ran into a black guy in Shockoe Bottom and asked him how he was doing. He answered, “I’m just hangin’.” In other words, things haven’t changed that much in 200 years. Too soon?
Imagine my disappointment when I found out that “Throw another shrimp on the barbie” wasn’t a Verne Troyer sex tape. I tried the spicy Asian shrimp at Applebee’s. Next time, I’m ordering it off the menu.
Al Gore via last.fm
It’s hot all over the country. It’s so hot, Dick Cheney asked to be waterboarded. Cheney was rushed to the hospital with discomfort. It turned out Al Gore gave him an abdominal massage. A masseuse’s claim that Al Gore tried to get a happy ending lacks credibity — especially since he didn’t Tipper. (Written by Andrew Coalson). It’s so hot, Rush Limbaugh started believing in climate change. That’s not a joke. That’s just wishful thinking on my part. It’s so hot, Rush moved to Alaska, Sarah Palin mistook him for a moose and shot him. They can’t all be comedy gold, people. It’s so hot, even Sarah Palin’s hot flashes are having hot flashes. It was so hot in Los Angeles yesterday, Lindsay Lohan used an air conditioner to supply her blow. It was so hot in LA that Mel Gibson started panting during a normal conversation. Who’s the only agent with a worse business model than Mel Gibson’s agent? A life insurance agent for a Chinese restaurant delivery man in Richmond, Virginia. I’ll explain it to you later. Gibson was wrong to suggest that anyone get gang raped, except perhaps Lindsay Lohan and that annoying Progressive Insurance tv pitchwoman.
States are cracking down on synthetic marijuana. Synthetic marijuana? What’s next? Synthetic Doritos? See, the joke is that Doritos are synthetic. They’re made from Cheetos swept from Seven-11 floors and the crumbled dreams of stand-up comedians. Seven-11 is selling its own brand of beer. It’s just a matter of time before George Michael gets caught in the parking lot slurps a drunkee.
The French parliament has banned the full-length veil. If they really wanted to be popular, they’d ban muffin tops. True Blood spoiler alert: in this season, Sooki gets implants and vacations on the Jersey Shore. I get Sooki and Snooki confused because they both really suck.
Anyone play Mafia Wars on Facebook? I want to play Indian Wars because you get to steal an entire country. Anyone play FarmVille? When you play Farmville in Virginia, you get to close down the school system and deny an entire generation of black children an education. I blame public education for the failure of that joke. Some black folks want reparations for slavery. Your check should arrive around the same time as the first GRTC bus at the Short Pump Mall. Fired USDA official Shirley Sherrod turned down the offer of a new job. She got a better offer: 40 acres and a mule.
My birthday’s coming up. I’m not going to say how old I am but my bunion and prostate are arguing over which’s bigger. And my penis and my liver are arguing over which is spottier. (Co-written with Jesse Jarvis). If I lose any more hair on the top of my head, I’m going to have to comb over my back hair. I just started a band called “The Chronic Depressives.” No performing or touring. We just sit around in our underwear contemplating the futility of existence.
The good news: Apple will supply bumpers to solve the iPhone 4 antenna reception problem. The bad news: Toyota will make the bumpers. Apple has delayed production of the black iPhone 4. It turns out it gets lousy reception at KKK rallies.
The former CEO of BP, Tony Hayward, got a job offer from the Pentagon. He’ll be dealing with WikiLeaks instead of sticky leaks.
The Chevrolet Volt allows you to tie your smart phone into OnStar. For an extra $500, David Hasselhoff will come to your house and eat a cheeseburger off your kitchen floor.
Michelle and Sasha Obama vacationed at a ritzy Spanish resort while unemployment in Washington, DC is 10 percent. They did so on the advice of their public relations firm, Gibson and Lohan.
On that low note, that’s my time.
