May 12, 2012 set

I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. More nervous than the Romney dog when it’s time to go on a family vacation in Canada. Barack Obama’s new campaign slogan is,  “A chicken in every pot and a drone strike in every Pakistani village.” The Obama campaign is raising money by selling Barack Obama dildos. They’re long on promises and short on deliver. Obama promises to get even tougher on terrorists in his second term. He’s even going to hunt down hope and change and kill them too. He just got rid of Bo, the Portuguese water dog in the White House and replaced him with Mo, the CIA waterboarding dog.  Hilary Clinton has written a sequel to her book, “It Takes a Village.” The new book is called, “It takes a drone strike to wipe out a village.” Hilary wore a bracelet in India to support the war against sex traffic: “Real men don’t pay for sex.” Bill Clinton wore a bracelet that said, “Real men pay for cigars.”

How many dead Muslim terrorists does it take to screw in a light bulb? That’s a trick question. They’re all died in a drone strike. A Muslim terrorists, a Christian terrorist and a Buddhist terrorist walk into a bar. The bartender asks the Muslim terrorist, “What’ll you have?” The Muslim terrorist says, “Death and destruction.” The Christian terrorist says, “Death and destruction.” The Buddhist terrorist says, “Death and destruction.” That was not a joke. That was a public service announcement promoting tolerance brought to you by the Columbia Broadcasting System. CBS cares. The only problem with underwear bombs: the skidmarks.

They found a finger in an Arby’s sandwich. In other news, they found two penises in a Kim Kardashian sandwich. Oh, wait a minute, that’s not news. Insert your own joke here. I want to be the first man to put his penis in a VCU football cheerleader’s vagina - because that would be the Richmond equivalent of being the first man on the moon. You can now buy a Justin Bieber singing toothbrush for $9.95 at Walgreens. Now you AND Selena Gomez can have Justin Bieber in your mouth.

The prophet Muhammed had a nine-year-old wife. This inspired a knock-knock joke. “Knock, knock?” “Who’s there?” “Muhammed.” “Muhammed who?” “Muhammed who’s a sex offender.” “Knock, knock.” “Who’s there?” “The Olsen Twins.” “The Olsen Twins who are too old for a Muhammed sandwich.” “Knock, knock.” “Who’s there?” “Miley Cyrus.” “Miley Cyrus who?” “Miley Cyrus who’s middled-aged.” What do you call a Texas Muslim who’s on a Holy War? A Yee-hadist.

My mother just died. I want to say she’s in a better place but she’s in Alabama. Mitch Hedberg came to me in a dream and told that joke would be too soon? My name is Chris Martin. Be sure and tip your bartender.

May 5, 2012 set

I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than a prostitute on a date with a Secret Service agent. A Confederate Secret Service agent got in trouble with a Columbian prostitute - he paid - but with Confederate money. What’s worse, he kept saying he would rise again - but he never did. Newt Gingrich promised to put a base on the moon but he dropped out of the presidential race.

I’m still running for president and I promise to put a base on Mars - with three-breasted prostitutes, the way God and Arnold Schwarzenegger intended. Three-breasted prostitutes - no wonder the Secret Service is willing to take a bullet for me. Barack Obama was in Richmond today to unveil his new campaign slogan, “A chicken in every pot and a drone strike in every Pakistani village.” Obama promised to get even tougher on terrorists. In fact, he just got rid of Bo, the Portuguese water dog in the White House and replaced him with an CIA waterboarding dog.

I watch a lot of insurance commercials on TV. It’s hard to say which would be worse to sit on your face, the Elephant from Elephant Insurance, the AFLAC duck, or Flo from Progressive Insurance. I want to be the first man to put his penis in a VCU football cheerleader’s penis, because that would the Richmond equivalent of being the first man on the moon - or the first Secret Service agent to sleep with a three-breasted prostitute on Mars. I got a email from Playboy and the subject line read, “Sexy Playboy girls want you,” which piqued my interest. But when I opened it, it said, “to stop paying for Hugh Hefner’s Viagra.” Kind of a letdown - like Hugh Hefner’s penis - and mine.

It’s a second anniversary of the Gulf oil spill. I’m an eco-terrorist so I retaliate by jerking off in BP bathrooms. A guy named Mr. PeePee plans to masturbate in all 298 New York City Starbucks. I won’t be impressed unless they’re double shots. Looks like I’m going to have to have a root canal. I’ve already spent $3,000 on dental work. For that kind of money, I want Scarlett Johanssen in my mouth, not some middle-aged guy from Federicksburg.

What’s the difference between a tramp stamp and a sleeve tattoo? None, they’re both right next to assholes. What’s the difference between a horse’s tail and a pony tail on a middle-aged guy. None, they’re both right next to assholes.

Thank you. It’s been a gas. Be sure and tip your bartender, ____. Welcome back to the stage, …

Saver: Mitch Hedberg came to me in a dream and said that joke would suck.

January 11, 2011 set performed at Comedy @ MacCormack’s Irish Pub in Richmond, Virginia and various other places.

I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than Saif Al-Islam Gadaffi watching “Hang Em High” on Turner Classic Movies. Herman Cain admitted he quoted from Pokemon during his campaign. Shouldn’t he have been quoting from Pokewoman? For years, Newt Gingrich stayed away from WiFi because he thought it was short for Wife Fidelity. Rick Perry had 99 problems but he forgot 97 of them.

Mitt Romney has raised more money from billionaires than Barack Obama. Finally, he’ll be able to afford days-of-the-week sacred underwear. Michael Jackson had sacred underwear: size S tightie-whities. Mitt Romney’s opponents are beating up on him so badly he’s asked his relatives to smuggle him into Mexico. Romney is using Kid Rock’s “Born Free” as his campaign song. If he were an honest politician, he would have chosen “Fuck You Blind.” Romney has changed positions more often than Pamela Anderson.

I hope everyone had a great holiday. Lot of movies come out during Christmas. Nothing says Christmas release like a Steven Spielberg movie about a horse in World War I. Spielberg finished filming his Lincoln movie in Richmond and moved onto Petersburg. Spielberg asked Lincoln to come up with a jazzier name for the Civil War. I’m not sure Occupy the South is better. An actor kept coming up  to Daniel Day-Lewis, who plays Lincoln, and asking him if he was ready for his close-up. The only problem: the actor’s name was John Wilkes Booth. Jane Fonda got bamboo skewers for $1.69 from Kroger as a stocking stuffer for John McCain. For Christmas, I got Tim Tebow a copy of Christopher Hitchens’ book, “God is not Great: How Religion Ruins Everything,” kneepads and a ball gag. I got a quesedilla maker for Christmas. Now all I have to do is go to the Lowe’s parking lot and pick her up. I did return the Chia Vagina I got for Christmas. A lot of people returned the Barack Obama dildos they got for Christmas because it was long on promises and short on delivery. Bad ideas for Hanukkah gifts: Anthony Weiner matzo balls… the Anne Frank Easy-Bake Oven. 

Another New Year, the passage of time. When did Jamie Lee Curtis become Judi Dench? Damn you, Activia. Chow Yun-Fat’s New Year’s resolution: to become Chow Yun-Skinny. I drank so much on New Year’s Eve I used my Kindle Fire for kindling. It’s been a mild winter so far but I’m predicting a lot of snow. How much snow? More snow than in Billy Mays’ nose. I bought one of those Amish miracle heaters. You’d be surprised how hard it is to set those beards on fire.

Nick Cannon may need a kidney. If we’re lucky, Mariah Carey will donate a lung — preferably two. I knew Katy Perry would break up with Russell Brand once she started hanging out with Elmo. Once you go Muppet, you never go back. The FDA says Avastin doesn’t work on ovarian cancer… which is confusing, because I always thought Avastin was an erectile dysfunction drug for pirates. 

Thank you. My name is Chris Martin. Don’t forget to tip your bartender, Austin.

My November 29, 2010 stand-up comedy set at Strange Matters in Richmond, VA and probably some other places I’ve forgotten.

I’m not used to performing this far up. This is the highest I’ve been since 1968. The bad news: I have tinnitus from all those concerts I went to in the sixties. The good news: the ringing in my ears drowns out the voices in my head. I got a $24 flu shot from Target. However, I declined the $50 colonoscopy in the men’s room. I’m so poor my Dish Network is made of paper plates. I’m worried I’m not getting enough flotsam and jetsam in my diet.

President Barack Obama pardons two turkeys for Thanksgiving. You would think George W. Bush and Dick Cheney would be grateful, but they weren’t. Chia offers a special edition Barack Obama Chia Pet. For those without a green thumb, there’s the James Carville Chia Pet. Sarah Palin got filmed clubbing fish in her new reality tv show, “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” on TLC. Maybe they should have called it “Deadliest Snatch.”

Zombies make things simple around the holidays. You ask zombies what they’re grateful for on Thanksgiving, and they say, “Brains.” I wonder whether they like cornea on the cob? You ask them what zombies want for Christmas, and they say, “Brains.” You ask what their New Year’s resolution is, and they say, “Eat more brains.” Reports surfaced that trapped miners considered cannibalism. If it had come to that, at least they would have had plenty of Chile. Why don’t you ever hear about Rastafarian werewolves killing people? By the time they get through braiding their dreadlocks, it’s daylight. Not to mention all that herb mellows them out. I had a great time at the Haunted House of Foreclosure on Halloween. Especially scary were the Jobless Recession and the Endless Quagmire. I wonder whether Blacula’s skin ever gets ashy. I wonder whether Blacula ever teams up with Crackula.

 I got unfollowed on Twitter by an urban taxidermist. Should I tell her to stuff it? Kroger advertises the Cricut as the perfect cutting system. I thought the perfect crying and cutting system was a 15-year-old girl.

Europeans persecute Gypsies. Meanwhile, a band of wanderers that really is a public nuisance goes without punishment: mimes.

Full body scans at airports suggest a new slogan for the TSA: “We make a spectacle of your testicles.” It used to be you could see the USA in your Chevrolet. Now you can really see the USA in the TSA.

Porpoises saved Dick Van Dyke when he drifted out to sea on his surfboard. It turns out they were actually out searching for Gilligan. If there are alien human/hybrids out there, it’s probably the Olsen Twins. Someone should get Glenn Beck a Thundershirt. The director of “Secretariat” also directed “Braveheart” so he had a lot of experience working with horses’ asses.

Contrary to popular belief, Avastin is not a drug used to treat erectile dysfunction in pirates.

Here’s my impression of Jesus working at a fast food restaurant: “Do you want loaves with those fishes?” Like the Catholic Church, Starbucks wants us to “take comfort in rituals.” I can’t wait until the first time a barista sodomizes me.

My set at the F-bomb Comedy Festival, Comedy Night @ artspace and Cozzy’s Comedy Club’s open mic/Fresh Faces of Comedy show. 

It was a hot summer in Richmond — so hot I saw a pitcher for the Flying Squirrels icing his balls instead of his elbow.

Oprah gave her audience a free trip to Australia. The only people Ellen gave a free visit down under are Anne Heche and Portia De Rossi. A scientist invented an anatomically correct robot woman. There’s only one problem: it still won’t have sex with nerds. A Playboy centerfold tried to exit a JetBlue flight in midair. You can deploy your own flotation device joke here.

Eighty-three of the eighty-four contestants in the Miss Universe contest had plastic surgery. The eighty-fourth, Miss Afghanistan, has plastic explosives. Miss Mexico was crowned Miss Universe. The pageant went smoothly except for an awkward moment where Miss Arizona asked Miss Mexico for her ID.

“Dancing with the Stars” eliminated David Hasselhoff. Sadly, he didn’t get a chance to dance to “Cheeseburger in Paradise.” Bristol Palin is still on “Dancing with the Stars.” I just hope she gets to dance to “Oops, I did it again.” 

Image via Wikipedia

Lady Gaga wore a meat dress at the MTV Music Awards. But what really offended people were her Brazilian nuts. “Sesame Street” cut Katy Perry because of her revealing dress. This came on the heels of an incident where Lady Gaga showed up in a dress made out of bacon and Miss Piggy threw a hissy fit.

 Sylvester Stallone has a movie called “The Expendables.” Given the ages of the action stars in the movie, shouldn’t it be called “The Depends-ables”? Roman Polanski is such a humanitarian. He heard there were miners trapped in Chile and immediately rushed to the scene and started frantically drilling. Tiger Woods may have lost up to $500 million in his divorce settlement. Tiger looks forward to golfing with OJ Simpson after he gets out of prison.

The housing market is in terrible shape. It’s so bad the Three Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their house down for the insurance. It’s so bad Jabba the Hut got evicted from his hut. The White House plans to spend $376 million on renovations. They want to make sure it’s ready for the new tenant in 2013. Barack Obama announced that the US is withdrawing from Iraq. Now if we could just get Jeff Miranda to pull out of Snooki, all our problems will be solved. ABC has a new reality show based on ‘The Bachelor Pad.” The original title, “Herpes House,” didn’t test well. Eighteen percent of the American people believe Barack Obama is a Muslim, 13 percent believe he’s a Kenyan, 55 percent believe he’s a socialist and 14 percent believe that “pants-on-the-ground” guy was robbed on “American Idol.”

Donald Trump brokered a compromise on the Ground Zero mosque. They’re going to build it in that thing on top of his head. The French Senate banned the full veil for Muslim women. If they really wanted to be popular, they’d outlaw the muffin top. We observed the anniversaries of Katrina and 9/1 last month. 

Image via Wikipedia

I blame the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers for Katrina. If they’d built the levees out of ShamWows, the disaster would have never happened. I don’t think we’ll ever get over the loss of the Twin Towers. We’ll never forget you, Anna Nicole Smith.

Facebook’s new geolocation service is a waste of time. Everyone knows where people on Facebook spend their time: FarmVille. Facebook had to cancel the service after several people in the Mafia Wars witness protection program got killed.

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a road? Salmonella and white line fever.The FDA may approve genetically-altered salmon for human consumption. There’s only one drawback: it tastes like chicken. The bedbug infestation is terrible in NYC. Even the fleas are fleeing the fleabag hotels. The infestation is so bad that the chain, “Bedbug and Beyond” opened a store in Manhattan. Even my waterbed has bedbugs. That’s weird but what really freaks me out are the tiny snorkels.

A guy named Spider Dan climbed a 58-story skyscraper in San Francisco using suction cups. The bad news: that makes me feel like a loser. I can’t even get a suction cup to stick to the side of my refrigerator. The good news: we finally have an explanation for all those sucking noises in San Francisco.

Bombing runs

My psychic told me that joke would suck.

My horoscope said that joke would suck.

Doc Brown said that joke would suck.

It was funny when I tweeted it.

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