Material tacked onto the front of my sets at Cafe Diem, McCormack’s Irish Pub and 9:55 Comedy Club open mics

I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than the Iraqi ambassador bobbing for apples at Dick Cheney’s Halloween Party. [Disclosure: It turns out Stephen Colbert did a version of this joke last year but NewsMax did it even earlier, in 2008.] Good news: registered sex offenders in an Alabama county rounded up on Halloween and shown a movie. The bad news: the movie was “Lolita.” More nervous than German Chancellor Angela Merkel approached by a Greek panhandler. Greek protesters in front of the Greek parliament chanting “burn this brothel,” thereby insulting prostitutes everywhere. Unemployment in Spain reaches 21 percent. It’s so bad that Puss in Boots has to buy his boots at Payless. I used to have wet dreams about Thailand. Now with all the flooding I’ve had to sandbag my Bangkok. 

It’s hard to say who should be more ashamed: Linday Lohan’s probation officer, Kim Kardashian’s marriage counselor or Justin Bieber’s condom supplier. A group of Georgia militia members met at the local Waffle House to plot assassinations and bombing. Apparently they couldn’t get reservations at the International House of Terror. The first clue something was wrong: when they stopped blowing on the soup and started blowing up their soup. The second clue: when they showed up at 5:30 pm at the Southern States Cooperative for the early bird special on ammonium nitrate.