Chris Martin Comedy

More nervous than Mitt Romney's dog

chrismartincomedian — Sat, 19 May 2012 00:00:00 -0400

May 12, 2012 set

I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. More nervous than the Romney dog when it’s time to go on a family vacation in Canada. Barack Obama’s new campaign slogan is, “A chicken in every pot and a drone strike in every Pakistani village.” The Obama campaign is raising money by selling Barack Obama dildos. They’re long on promises and short on deliver. Obama promises to get even tougher on terrorists in his second term. He’s even going to hunt down hope and change and kill them too. He just got rid of Bo, the Portuguese water dog in the White House and replaced him with Mo, the CIA waterboarding dog. Hilary Clinton has written a sequel to her book, “It Takes a Village.” The new book is called, “It takes a drone strike to wipe out a village.” Hilary wore a bracelet in India to support the war against sex traffic: “Real men don’t pay for sex.” Bill Clinton wore a bracelet that said, “Real men pay for cigars.”

How many dead Muslim terrorists does it take to screw in a light bulb? That’s a trick question. They’re all died in a drone strike. A Muslim terrorists, a Christian terrorist and a Buddhist terrorist walk into a bar. The bartender asks the Muslim terrorist, “What’ll you have?” The Muslim terrorist says, “Death and destruction.” The Christian terrorist says, “Death and destruction.” The Buddhist terrorist says, “Death and destruction.” That was not a joke. That was a public service announcement promoting tolerance brought to you by the Columbia Broadcasting System. CBS cares. The only problem with underwear bombs: the skidmarks.

They found a finger in an Arby’s sandwich. In other news, they found two penises in a Kim Kardashian sandwich. Oh, wait a minute, that’s not news. Insert your own joke here. I want to be the first man to put his penis in a VCU football cheerleader’s vagina - because that would be the Richmond equivalent of being the first man on the moon. You can now buy a Justin Bieber singing toothbrush for $9.95 at Walgreens. Now you AND Selena Gomez can have Justin Bieber in your mouth.

The prophet Muhammed had a nine-year-old wife. This inspired a knock-knock joke. “Knock, knock?” “Who’s there?” “Muhammed.” “Muhammed who?” “Muhammed who’s a sex offender.” “Knock, knock.” “Who’s there?” “The Olsen Twins.” “The Olsen Twins who are too old for a Muhammed sandwich.” “Knock, knock.” “Who’s there?” “Miley Cyrus.” “Miley Cyrus who?” “Miley Cyrus who’s middled-aged.” What do you call a Texas Muslim who’s on a Holy War? A Yee-hadist.

My mother just died. I want to say she’s in a better place but she’s in Alabama. Mitch Hedberg came to me in a dream and told that joke would be too soon? My name is Chris Martin. Be sure and tip your bartender.

More nervous than a prostitute on a date with a Secret Service agent

chrismartincomedian — Sat, 05 May 2012 00:00:00 -0400

May 5, 2012 set

I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than a prostitute on a date with a Secret Service agent. A Confederate Secret Service agent got in trouble with a Columbian prostitute - he paid - but with Confederate money. What’s worse, he kept saying he would rise again - but he never did. Newt Gingrich promised to put a base on the moon but he dropped out of the presidential race.

I’m still running for president and I promise to put a base on Mars - with three-breasted prostitutes, the way God and Arnold Schwarzenegger intended. Three-breasted prostitutes - no wonder the Secret Service is willing to take a bullet for me. Barack Obama was in Richmond today to unveil his new campaign slogan, “A chicken in every pot and a drone strike in every Pakistani village.” Obama promised to get even tougher on terrorists. In fact, he just got rid of Bo, the Portuguese water dog in the White House and replaced him with an CIA waterboarding dog.

I watch a lot of insurance commercials on TV. It’s hard to say which would be worse to sit on your face, the Elephant from Elephant Insurance, the AFLAC duck, or Flo from Progressive Insurance. I want to be the first man to put his penis in a VCU football cheerleader’s penis, because that would the Richmond equivalent of being the first man on the moon - or the first Secret Service agent to sleep with a three-breasted prostitute on Mars. I got a email from Playboy and the subject line read, “Sexy Playboy girls want you,” which piqued my interest. But when I opened it, it said, “to stop paying for Hugh Hefner’s Viagra.” Kind of a letdown - like Hugh Hefner’s penis - and mine.

It’s a second anniversary of the Gulf oil spill. I’m an eco-terrorist so I retaliate by jerking off in BP bathrooms. A guy named Mr. PeePee plans to masturbate in all 298 New York City Starbucks. I won’t be impressed unless they’re double shots. Looks like I’m going to have to have a root canal. I’ve already spent $3,000 on dental work. For that kind of money, I want Scarlett Johanssen in my mouth, not some middle-aged guy from Federicksburg.

What’s the difference between a tramp stamp and a sleeve tattoo? None, they’re both right next to assholes. What’s the difference between a horse’s tail and a pony tail on a middle-aged guy. None, they’re both right next to assholes.

Thank you. It’s been a gas. Be sure and tip your bartender, ____. Welcome back to the stage, …

Saver: Mitch Hedberg came to me in a dream and said that joke would suck.

The May 3, 2012 open mic at Laff Hut in Richmond, VA with MC CB...

chrismartincomedian — Thu, 03 May 2012 00:00:00 -0400

The May 3, 2012 open mic at Laff Hut in Richmond, VA with MC CB Wilkins, Chris Martin [2:30], Steve Zahn [8:21], and James Lawson [18:10]. Video by Silver Persinger

Justin Bieber in your mouth

chrismartincomedian — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 00:00:00 -0400

My April 2, 2012 set

This is an audience participation set. After I say a joke, I want you to say, these are new jokes, people. Everyone enjoy Saint Patrick’s Day? Saint Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. Sadly, he was unable to drive the Roman Catholic priests out of the altar boys’ anuses. Guinness says it’s ale is brewed in Dublin. That explains why it tastes like priest penis, willful ignorance and ancient hatreds. You can now buy Justin Bieber singing toothbrushes for $9.99 at Walgreens. This means you AND Selena Gomez can have Justin Bieber in your mouth.

Janeane Garofalo made a movie in Ireland called “The Matchmaker.” Like the movie, this joke isn’t funny. Janeane also starred in a movie called “Ratatoulle” about rats cooking in a French restaurant. To get into character for the movie Janeane had a rat live in her public hair. The good news: the rat ate all the crabs.

I just got back from a rally for women’s health in front of the Supreme Court along with a group from Planned Parenthood. I’m glad Planned Parenthood is fighting back because I was beginning to think they were a bunch of pussies. The FDA has banned the use of Avastin to treat cervical cancer. Which is confusing, because I thought Avastin was used to treat erectile dysfunction in pirates.

I used to think Louis C.K. was a faggot because he kept talking about faggots. Now that he dropped out as host of the White House Correspondents’ Dinner because he he said nasty things about Sarah Palin, I just think he’s a pussy. The Western Black Rhino is officially extinct. Cause of death: too many assignments to Starship Enterprise landing parties. Support the troops. Kill an innocent Afghan civilian. “The Hunger Game” is a very popular movie. I’m thinking about moving to Somalia because I understand they play the hunger games for real.

It's Just This Little Chromium Switch Here

chrismartincomedian — Wed, 14 Mar 2012 01:17:44 -0400

That title is a Firesign Theatre reference. Although not as famous as Monty Python, the Firesign Theatre was just as brilliant if not more so They were a San Francisco comedy collective in the sixties and seventies who made a series of brilliant albums. Sadly, Peter Bergman of the group just died. While going to Knox College 1967-1971, I had all their records.

OK, I promised I would send this newsletter out on a monthly basis. So much for that. At this point, I’m just going to try to put it out whenever I can. The big news is that I’ve shifted my emphasis, focusing less on maintaining an online presence and more on performing and writing. Right now, performing is my first priority and writing, second. If I can find time to post some video and audio, that’s fine but lately I haven’t. Right now, most of my online effort goes into my Twitter feed, with an emphasis on comedy but I also throw in some politics as well. There is a school of thought that says three-year open micers shouldn’t have a web site or a CD. I’m a two to two-and-half-year open micer, depending on how you calculate it. I have a web site but that has more to do with the fact that just about every project I’ve been involved with I start a web site as a matter of reflex. I occasionally post transcripts of sets but that’s pretty much limit of online efforts these days.

In my last newsletter, I speculated that last summer may have been the high water mark for Richmond, Virginia stand-up comedy. Once again, my forecasting abilities leave something to be desired (I once predicted that Steve Jobs would fumble his second coming at Apple based on his dismal performance at NeXT). Since I wrote that, three open mics have started up, all of them running every week, a blistering pace for Richmond, which is used to open mics twice a month. One is at Daddio’s in Henrico County every Tuesday, the Current restaurant in the Hat Factory every Wednesday, and the third at Pie in the Fan every Saturday. A weekly show at the Republic has also started.

Three years ago, I went to my first open mic, which had just started, at Sticky Rice in Richmond’s Fan District. There were about ten regulars. It has reached the point where it’s getting difficult to keep track of who’s involved in the scene and what they’re up to. It’s not that I’m not interested in what other people are doing, but I don’t have the time to spend on Facebook following what everyone, time that I could spend performing or writing. So I have to rely on gossip at open mics to stay abreast.

This is going to sound like heresy, because the conventional wisdom is to get up on stage as much as possible, but it has reached the point where I’m going to have to pick and choose which open mics to go to. I don’t want to be one of those comics who shows up and drinks water, and there are plenty of those - you have to wonder how they got so morbidly obese, because they never eat anything at these shows - because I know that bars and restaurants aren’t doing this out of altruism.

That’s it for now. I’ll try and pick up the pace in future newsletters.

Bradley Cooper's girlfriend's nickname for his penis is "Mini-Cooper"

chrismartincomedian — Wed, 29 Feb 2012 00:00:00 -0500

My February 29, 2012 set

I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than a U.S. Navy delphin searching for mines in the Strait of Hormuz. More nervous than Janeane Garofalo walking by a Brazilian waxing salon. I miss the good old days of the Oscar red carpet when Joan Rivers slagged Janeane Garofalo for looking like a thrift store explosion survivor. Zach Galifianakis says in a red carpet interview that his Oscar pre-show ritual consists of Janeane Garofalo massaging his prostate with a strap-on. The great thing about Tim Gunn kissing Jennifer Lopez’s ass is that there’s so much ass to kiss. An ABC red carpet analyst says Michelle Williams’ look “just killed it for me.” So that’s what happened to Heath Ledger. Bradley Cooper on the red carpet. Cooper’s girlfriend’s nickname for his penis is “Mini-Cooper.” Nick Nolte was a walking testimonial for the health benefits of peyote.

If rubbing two sticks together makes fire, what does rubbing two assholes together produce? Answer: an Oscar award presentation team. Angela Jolie presented the Oscar for best adapted screenplay. I love the smell of Botox in the evening. The Oscar-winning documentary shows plastic surgeons rehabilitating hideously scarred women in Pakistan yet Angela Jolie still walks the surface of the planet. Hard to say who’s more draggy, Emma Stone or Ben Stiller. Still waiting for them to present the Oscar for best anal penetration in a VCU coed. I want to be the first man to put his penis in a VCU football cheerleader’s vagina, because that would be the Richmond equivalent of being the first man on the moon. Another presenter: Gwyneth Paltrow. Is it wrong to imagine Gwyneth Paltrow being gang-raped by the cast of “Caged Heat”? I always thought the best “Mission Impossible” was the one in which Scientology tried to turn Tom Cruise into a heterosexual.

Another presenter was Milla Jovovich. Whoa, I thought Milla Jovovich was filming “Resident Evil 12 - I slept with the director and all I got was this lousy movie.” Nobody stands in better for Hollywood’s self-congratulatory mediocrity better than Tom Hanks. The camera picked out James Earl Jones in the crowd. James Earl Jones is one damaged chromosome away from becoming the next Roger Ebert. Another presenter was Natalie Portman. Her best performance was as best child actress abused by Hollywood for the amusement of Roman Polanski in “The Professional.” Another presenter was UVA grad Tina Fey. I’m looking forward to Tina Fey’s sequel to “Bossy Pants,” “Incontinent Pants.”

WTF?! The French recognize Jerry Lewis and we honor the director of “The Artist.”
OK, Glenn Close playing a man was a big fake-out but not as big a fake-out as Barack Obama as hope and change in the 2008 election. The Mentalist is so perceptive he can actually tell the difference between Glenn Close and Meryl Streep. Meryl Streep won best actress for her role at Margaret Thatcher in “The King’s Baitch.” Who says it doesn’t get better? Maya Rudolph and Kristen Wiig trade dick jokes during presentation of best live action short film award. Woody Allen wins an Oscar for “Midnight in Paris.” Whose 16-year-old adopted daughter do I have to sleep with to win an Oscar? Melissa McCarthy was up for best supporting actress in “Bridesmaid.” You could heat a city if you burned Melissa McCarthy’s brown fat. Octavia Spencer won best supporting actress in “The Help.”If I wanted to watch a liberal white guilt trip, I’d pop in a DVD of “The Tim Kaine Story.”

Did someone win an award and thank their cat? I’m nodding off like Janeane Garofalo after a heroin overdose. One hour Oscar time equals 99 years in “Inception” dream time. Billy Crystal’s joke are so corny. I haven’t seen anyone hacking this badly since Janeane Garofalo’s smoker’s cough. Nicolae Ceaușescu’s fate would be too kind for the joke writers for the Oscars. Ellen DeGeneres talking about a really bad smell during an Oscar commercial is giving me Portia de Rossi yeast infection flashbacks.

I don’t have a big closer so I’m just going to open my zipper and expose myself, Be sure and tip your bartender.

More nervous than Janeane Garofalo walking by a Brazilian waxing salon

chrismartincomedian — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 00:00:00 -0500

February 16, 2012 set

I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than a U.S. Navy dolphin looking for Iranian mines in the Strait of Hormuz. More nervous than Janeane Garofalo walking by a Brazilian waxing salon.

My penis sent a card to my hand on Valentine’s Day but my hand tore it up — so my penis cut him off. I want to be the first man to put his penis in a VCU football cheerleader. That would be like being the first man on the moon.”Virginia is for lovers” is the state slogan but the state practiced eugenics, prosecuted mixed race couples and enshrines gay discrimination in constitution. But what really gets my blood boiling about Virginia’s puritanical laws is the ABC’s rules against nudity and touching in strip clubs. I had to call the cops at 4 in the morning the other night. Apparently they’re filming an episode of “Real Hot Mess Housewives of Richmond, VA” in the apartment below me.

Support the troops. Shoot an innocent Afghan civilian. Supreme Court judge gets robbed. Earlier nine thieves dressed in black broke into Florida and stole Al Gore’s presidency.

Number of “Houston, we have a problem” jokes on Twitter: 7,843,265. I would say that Whitney Houston is in a better place but she’s in New Jersey. Bobby Brown immediately called Chris Brown for his list of beat freaks. Chris Brown was all over the Grammys like bruises all over Rihanna. Chris Brown won the Grammy for best Rhythm & Black & Blues album. Rihanna performed with Coldplay. Who says it doesn’t get better? After Chris Brown, Rihanna needed an ice pack. Now she just needs a Coldplay. The award for Best Rehabilitation of a Woman Beater goes to the Grammys. Watch your Grammy, people. She may be shitting herself.

I watched the Grammies Sunday night and I still don’t know who won for best comedy album. Presumably because no one gives a shit who won. What, no wardrobe malfunctions, potty mouth or artificial controversies which fill the coffers of the American Family Association at the Grammys? Fuck my life. After this year’s lackluster Grammy Awards, host LL Cool J should not only go back to Cali - he should go back to Mali. I’m losing interest in the Grammy Awards faster than Tony Bennett loses an erection.

Paul McCartney performed at the end of the Grammy Awards. He hasn’t been this excited since stabbing John Lennon in the back. Diana Ross hasn’t been this excited since she stabbed another Supreme in the back. Speaking of has-beens, I saw a commercial about a movie with Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer Aniston is still making movies? I thought she was now a full-time celebrity.

I felt that Lady Reconstruction should have presented the award for Best Record of the Year instead of Lady Antebellum. Heavy D won a Grammy for Best Tweet from Beyond the Grave. Nicki Minaj’s performance at the Grammys was vomit-inducing. More proof there isn’t a God: Nicki Minaj is still alive and Etta James is dead. I thought Drake was going to reveal who shot Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls. What a letdown.

Jay-Z and Kanye West couldn’t accept their Grammy for best rap single. They were too busy counting their money. Alicia Keys announces the latest winner of the Ric Ocasek Award. If you got that joke, you’re the most culturally literate person in the room. Bruno Mars was all up in Uranus. Apparently that thing on top of Donald Trump’s head has reproduced and attached itself to Bruno Mars’ head.

To get into the spirit of Katy Perry’s performance at the Grammy Awards, I strapped on my fake breasts. The Beach Boys Grammy tribute put a Woodie into a Surfer Girl. Is that legal? It just isn’t a Beach Boys reunion without their father, Murry Wilson, taking a belt to one of the boys. Wikipedia that joke. Bruce Springsteen asked the musical question, “Why don’t I give all my money to the poor and STFU?”

Jack Black was outside the Grammys talking about indie cred. WTF. Jack Black has indie cred after “Gulliver’s Travels”? Jack Black has indie cred after “King Kong”? Who says the American Dream is dead? Even mediocre garage bands like the Foo Fighters can grow up to play and win at the Grammys.

Snorting cocaine off the whale tails of porno stars

chrismartincomedian — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 20:00:00 -0500

Stand-up comedian Chris Martin’s set at the 9:55 Comedy Club’s open mic February 6, 2012 and Daddio’s, the Current, McCormack’s Irish Pub and Pie in Richmond, VA:

Our next comedian refuses to watch any Super Bowl that doesn’t have a team playing with a derogatory Native American nickname.

I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? My mouth is dryer than Betty White’s vagina.

The Mentalist is so perceptive he can actually tell the difference between gladiatorial combat and football. I’m trying to decide which is more homo-erotic: “Spartacus,” the Super Bowl or the H&M David Beckham Body Armor ad. I got into the real spirit of the Super Bowl by holding my tailgate party at the traumatic brain injury unit of the Mayo Clinic. I really wanted to be at Charlie Sheen’s Super Bowl tailgate party, snorting cocaine off the whale tails of porno stars.

I don’t know about you, but the most exciting moment of the Super Bowl for me was when a Miami Dolphin ran onto the field, raped Tom Brady and then ran up into the sky boxes and raped Giselle Bundchen and Rush Limbaugh.

I kept waiting for the commercials to end and the football to begin so I can take a leak. I had a Super Bowl movement or as I like to call it, spiking it in the end zone, if you know what I mean. David Beckham appeared in an ad showing a lot of skin for H&M Body Armor. Finally, an asshole with more tattoos than Janeane Garofalo. I want to apologize for calling David Beckham and Janeane Garofalo assholes. I meant to call them douchebags. Godaddy’s Super Bowl commercial had a semi-nude Danica Patrick shooting an elephant, Kim Dotcom and founder Bob Parsons in the foot. Great Apple Super Bowl ad with Steve Jobs in gym shorts running through a Chinese assembly line, throwing tiny hammers though iPad screens. The Apple sky box at the Super Bowl has spicy hot chicken wings with hexane. They’re hawwt. Clint Eastwood did a commercial for Chrysler, driving around Detroit in a Gran Torino with Clyde the Orangutan riding shotgun. Holy crap, did Clint Eastwood get a tracheotomy and a lobotomy? He’s one vocal cord away from sounding like Robert Kennedy Jr. I live in Byrd Park and I heard someone screaming all the way over in Carytown. It was just Ray Bullock having an orgasm during “The Marvel Avengers” Super Bowl ad. Ad for “John Carter,” the movie about the Edgar Rice Burroughs character on Mars. I’m really psyched about the special guest appearance by Jar Jar Binks.

Super Bowl half-time shows were a lot better when Leni Riefenstahl directed them. A last minute addition to the Super Bowl half time show: George Orwell and GoDaddy founder Bob Parsons in an elephant shooting contest.The most exciting moment during the Super Bowl half time show: Madonna’s wardrobe malfunction when her hip replacement popped out. Madonna has a new designer perfume which smells like wrinkled labia and creative exhaustion but they love the smell of it in Hollywood.

Singer Seal spotted on the sidelines of the Lingerie Bowl scouting for his next wife. To honor Mitt Romney, all participants in the Lingerie Bowl wore sacred underwear and only ran plays in the missionary position.

Eli Manning is going to Disney World. All those NFL cheerleaders who moonlight as strippers are just going to Orlando.

Saver: Mitch Hedberg came to me in a dream and said that joke would suck.

A lap dance from Rosa Parks

chrismartincomedian — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 11:56:00 -0500

January 25, 2012 set at Comedy @ the Current in Richmond, VA and various other places:

I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than a ham hock around Paula Deen. More nervous than Sandra Bullock on an Italian cruise. More nervous than a U.S. Navy dolphin looking for Iranian mines in the Strait of Hormuz. More nervous than a 10-year-old boy in a Penn State locker room shower. More nervous than an Afghan in a United States Marine Corps latrine. But I’m also excited. How excited? More excited than Herman Cain on a date with John Huntsman’s daughters.

Newt Gingrich is surging - IN HIS PANTS. Newt’s second wife claims he wanted an open relationship. For years, Newt Gingrich stayed away from WiFi because he thought it was short for Wife Fidelity. Gingrich will leave Florida January 31 but plans to return during Spring Break to do a “Candidates Gone Wild” video. Ron Paul doesn’t expect to win the Florida primary. However, he does plan to issue a position paper on the role of the early bird special in Austrian economics.

Mitt Romney raised more money from billionaires than Barack Obama. Finally, he can afford days-of-the-week sacred underwear. Nightline says Mitt has a bank account in the Cayman Islands. I have a piggy bank buried on Brown’s Island. The other candidates have criticized Romney for being a venture capitalist. You know you’re a vulture capitalist when Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry and Montgomery Burns call you a vulture capitalist. Romney auditioned for “Undercover Boss,” but no one wanted to watch an episode in which everyone got fired in the end. People criticize Romney for driving to Canada with the family dog on the roof of the car. The final straw was when Romney drove from New Hampshire to South Carolina with Newt Gingrich strapped on the hood. Romney observed Martin Luther King Jr. Day by driving from Memphis to Myrtle Beach with a striking sanitation worker on the roof of his car.

Florida strip clubs observe MLK day, which gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, “The South will rise again.” King would be spinning in his grave but he’s too busy getting a lap dance from Rosa Parks. Mitt Romney’s opponents beat up on him so badly he’s asked his relatives to smuggle him into Mexico. Michelle Obama appeared on iCarly. Romney retaliated by appearing as an extra in “I, Robot.” Romney compared to a robot; Obama compared to Spock. I can’t tell whether I’m watching CNN or the Syfy Channel. Romney uses Kid Rock’s “Born Free” as his campaign song. If he were an honest politician, he would have chosen “Fuck You Blind.” I want to apologize for saying Romney changed positions more often than Pamela Anderson. He’s changed positions more often than Jenna Jameson. Romney says he’ll do well in Florida because the state has always welcomed flip-floppers. Romney’s plan B is he’s not elected president: marry the Huntsman girls and star in a reality TV version of “Big Love.”

Porn sites don’t black out to protest the Stop Online Piracy Act like Wikipedia. Instead, they doubled their buffering rate. The difference between cable tv and internet porn: with cable tv, you pay for shows you used to watch for free. With internet porn, you watch shows for free that you used to pay for.

I don’t understand the outrage over U.S. Marines urinating on Taliban corpses. They were just peebowing. That was a piss-poor pun. I’m sure the same thing happened in Vietnam. They don’t call it triple-canopy jungle for nothing. This leaves a stain on the Marine Corps but I’m sure they’ll be able to shake it off. Committing atrocities in Iraq, descrating corpses in Aghanistan. The USMC is adding a verse to their anthem, “from Haditha to uretha.”

A lot of hand-wringing and second guessing at MTV executive suites - sending the cast of “Jersey Shore” to Italy but failing to book them on a cruise.

The FDA says Avastin doesn’t work on ovarian cancer… which is confusing, because I always thought Avastin was an erectile dysfunction drug for pirates.

Thank you. My name is Chris Martin. Don’t forget to tip your bartender, Shane.

Comedy Night @ McCormack’s January 25, 2012 in Richmond,...

chrismartincomedian — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 21:00:00 -0500

Comedy Night @ McCormack’s January 25, 2012 in Richmond, Virginia featuring MC Michal Ketner, Shawn Werely, Chris Martin, and Remo.

Video by Silver Persinger

When did Jamie Lee Curtis become Judi Dench?

chrismartincomedian — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 20:02:00 -0500

January 11, 2011 set performed at Comedy @ MacCormack’s Irish Pub in Richmond, Virginia and various other places.

I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than Saif Al-Islam Gadaffi watching “Hang Em High” on Turner Classic Movies. Herman Cain admitted he quoted from Pokemon during his campaign. Shouldn’t he have been quoting from Pokewoman? For years, Newt Gingrich stayed away from WiFi because he thought it was short for Wife Fidelity. Rick Perry had 99 problems but he forgot 97 of them.

Mitt Romney has raised more money from billionaires than Barack Obama. Finally, he’ll be able to afford days-of-the-week sacred underwear. Michael Jackson had sacred underwear: size S tightie-whities. Mitt Romney’s opponents are beating up on him so badly he’s asked his relatives to smuggle him into Mexico. Romney is using Kid Rock’s “Born Free” as his campaign song. If he were an honest politician, he would have chosen “Fuck You Blind.” Romney has changed positions more often than Pamela Anderson.

I hope everyone had a great holiday. Lot of movies come out during Christmas. Nothing says Christmas release like a Steven Spielberg movie about a horse in World War I. Spielberg finished filming his Lincoln movie in Richmond and moved onto Petersburg. Spielberg asked Lincoln to come up with a jazzier name for the Civil War. I’m not sure Occupy the South is better. An actor kept coming up to Daniel Day-Lewis, who plays Lincoln, and asking him if he was ready for his close-up. The only problem: the actor’s name was John Wilkes Booth. Jane Fonda got bamboo skewers for $1.69 from Kroger as a stocking stuffer for John McCain. For Christmas, I got Tim Tebow a copy of Christopher Hitchens’ book, “God is not Great: How Religion Ruins Everything,” kneepads and a ball gag. I got a quesedilla maker for Christmas. Now all I have to do is go to the Lowe’s parking lot and pick her up. I did return the Chia Vagina I got for Christmas. A lot of people returned the Barack Obama dildos they got for Christmas because it was long on promises and short on delivery. Bad ideas for Hanukkah gifts: Anthony Weiner matzo balls… the Anne Frank Easy-Bake Oven.

Another New Year, the passage of time. When did Jamie Lee Curtis become Judi Dench? Damn you, Activia. Chow Yun-Fat’s New Year’s resolution: to become Chow Yun-Skinny. I drank so much on New Year’s Eve I used my Kindle Fire for kindling. It’s been a mild winter so far but I’m predicting a lot of snow. How much snow? More snow than in Billy Mays’ nose. I bought one of those Amish miracle heaters. You’d be surprised how hard it is to set those beards on fire.

Nick Cannon may need a kidney. If we’re lucky, Mariah Carey will donate a lung — preferably two. I knew Katy Perry would break up with Russell Brand once she started hanging out with Elmo. Once you go Muppet, you never go back. The FDA says Avastin doesn’t work on ovarian cancer… which is confusing, because I always thought Avastin was an erectile dysfunction drug for pirates.

Thank you. My name is Chris Martin. Don’t forget to tip your bartender, Austin.

My November 21, 2011 set at Cafe Diem Comedy Night in Richmond,...

chrismartincomedian — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 00:00:00 -0500

My November 21, 2011 set at Cafe Diem Comedy Night in Richmond, VA with MC Josh Blubaugh, Wil Smith and Josh Horsford.

Video by Silver Persinger.

11/11/11 was a big disappointment - especially for the binary curious.

chrismartincomedian — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 13:22:00 -0500

Additional material inserted in the front of mid-November, 2011 sets at the 9:55 Comedy Club, Cafe Diem and McCormack’s Irish Pub open mics in Richmond, VA:

I’m excited to be here at ______. How excited? More excited than J. Edgar Hoover getting a new Victoria’s secret catalogue in the mail. New movie debuts about J. Edgar Hoover. The most action-packed scenes were set in the thirties when Hoover nailed gangsters Machine Gun Kelly, Pretty Boy Floyd and Cross Dressing Willie.

Adam Sandler wears drag in his new movie, “Jack and Jill.” J. Edgar Hoover is spinning in his grave - probably in a tutu.

Big scandal at Penn State. Looking back, Jerry Sandusky paraphrasing Maurice Chevalier’s “Thank Heaven for Little Girls” at State College karoake night was probably a red flag.

The Russians have been desperately working to salvage their Mars moon probe. However, they admit they made their biggest mistake when they failed to make Ashton Kutcher their payload. The Catholic Church has a new translation: “coitus interruptus” now means “I walked in on the priest and the choir boy.”

11/11/11 was a big disappointment — especially for the binary curious.

According to news reports, Heavy D’s last tweet was “Be inspired,” which is confusing. I thought his last tweet was “Does Dunkin’ Donuts deliver?” Heavy D’s November 4 tweet was “Magic is just science we don’t understand,” which he ripped off from Arthur C. Clarke. I guess that makes him an UnOriginal Gangsta. Two waves spotted in a British Columbia lake were not the Canadian Loch Ness Monster. It was just New Jersey Governor Chris Christie dog paddling on vacation.

More nervous than German Chancellor Angela Merkel approached by a Greek panhandler

chrismartincomedian — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 03:40:00 -0500

Material tacked onto the front of my sets at Cafe Diem, McCormack’s Irish Pub and 9:55 Comedy Club open mics

I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than the Iraqi ambassador bobbing for apples at Dick Cheney’s Halloween Party. [Disclosure: It turns out Stephen Colbert did a version of this joke last year but NewsMax did it even earlier, in 2008.] Good news: registered sex offenders in an Alabama county rounded up on Halloween and shown a movie. The bad news: the movie was “Lolita.” More nervous than German Chancellor Angela Merkel approached by a Greek panhandler. Greek protesters in front of the Greek parliament chanting “burn this brothel,” thereby insulting prostitutes everywhere. Unemployment in Spain reaches 21 percent. It’s so bad that Puss in Boots has to buy his boots at Payless. I used to have wet dreams about Thailand. Now with all the flooding I’ve had to sandbag my Bangkok.

It’s hard to say who should be more ashamed: Linday Lohan’s probation officer, Kim Kardashian’s marriage counselor or Justin Bieber’s condom supplier. A group of Georgia militia members met at the local Waffle House to plot assassinations and bombing. Apparently they couldn’t get reservations at the International House of Terror. The first clue something was wrong: when they stopped blowing on the soup and started blowing up their soup. The second clue: when they showed up at 5:30 pm at the Southern States Cooperative for the early bird special on ammonium nitrate.

Trying to find a good Twitter client in Linux is like trying to find an experienced hooker in Amish Country

chrismartincomedian — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 19:22:00 -0400

Late October 2011 set performed at Cafe Diem, McCormack’s Irish Pub and 9:55 Comedy Club open mics in Richmond, VA.

Last month was World Alzheimer’s Month. I wanted to observe it but I forgot. I just installed Linux on an old computer. Trying to find a good Twitter client in Linux is like trying to find an experienced hooker in Amish Country. An Amish clan in Ohio got arrested for the forced shaving of beards. The final straw was when they gave Kelly McGillis a landing strip. Wikipedia that joke.

The Million Moms group is pressuring grocery stores not to stock Ben & Jerry’s Schweddy Balls ice cream. So far, they haven’t taken a position on Brett Favre’s Schweddy Balls. I’m looking forward to Rosie O’Donnell’s Chunky Lesbian myself. I wonder what that tastes like? Chicken. Spoiler alert for “Jersey Shore”: in the dramatic finale, the Situation gets herpes on his Genoa salami. Ratings are down for ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ That’s understandable. It’s hard to say whose wardrobe malfunction the audience is more worried about: Nancy Grace or Chaz Bono.

The Mentalist is so perceptive, he can actually tell the difference between Erin Burdett and Erica Hill. Christina Applegate is the star of “Up All Night,” a sitcom about a couple with a new baby. If Christina breastfeeds the baby, that will be some real acting. Proof there is a God: “Charlie’s Angels” canceled. Proof there isn’t a God: “Hawaii Five-O” is still on. George Lopez lost his job as a late night talk show host on TNT. Things are so bad he’s trying to smuggle himself into Mexico.

Credit: Vanity Fair

Another horrible accident involving Dick Cheney. The former vice president mistook House Speaker John Boehner for a pumpkin and carved up his face. Texas Governor Rick Perry likes to talk about seceding from the United States. It got so bad the other day his hairpiece seceded from his head. Another Baptist pastor who supports Perry called the Mormons a cult. The difference between the Mormons and Scientology: about a hundred years. The Iraq War is winding down. However, we’re still fighting in Afghan valleys deeper than the crevasses in Christiane Amanpour’s face. A German satellite fell to earth over the weekend. In a fit of nostalgia, it tried to crash into Poland for old time’s sake and kill a few more Jews.

Google employees have an expression, eat your own dog food, when they talk about using their own product. The only problem with that: it tastes like Eric Schmidt. I realize the Apple iPhone 4S announcement was a big disappointment. I still feel Steve Jobs overreacted. Steve Jobs is not dead. He’s just extensively product testing the iCoffin. A photo of Michael Jackson in the nude was shown during the trial of his doctor. It’s the most people who have seen Jackson naked since the Baptist Choir of Harlem visited Neverland Ranch.

I had the $5 three-piece chicken special at Aunt Sarah’s Pancake House. Aunt Sarah’s Pancake House is where the people of Walmart go when they want to make fun of people. “Ooh, he’s too fat.” The chicken wasn’t free range. It was sit on a couch, smoke a bowl and watch tiddlywinks on ESPN 2 chicken. This chicken wasn’t organic. It had more antibiotics in it than a 60-year-old San Francisco AIDS patient.

My name is Chris Martin. Thank you. Don’t forget to tip your bartender.

Cafe Diem Comedy Night Oct. 24, 2011 in Richmond, Virginia...

chrismartincomedian — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 00:00:00 -0400

Cafe Diem Comedy Night Oct. 24, 2011 in Richmond, Virginia featuring MC Leo Mairena, Ray Bullock, Chris Martin, and Ben Grant. Video by Silver Persinger.

For more information about this open mic comedy night in Richmond, Virginia, visit their Facebook page,

I wanted to observe World Alzheimer's Month but I forgot

chrismartincomedian — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 00:00:00 -0400

Mid-October, 2011 set performed at the 9:55 Comedy Club, McCormack’s Irish Pub and Cafe Diem open mics in Richmond, VA.

It’s Columbus Day. If you really want to get into the spirit of Columbus Day, rob a Seven-11 and kill the owner. Last month was World Alzheimer’s Month. I wanted to observe it but I forgot.

I’m excited to be here. How excited? More excited than Amanda Knox at an orgy. Good news: Amanda Knox’s murder conviction is overturned. Bad news: she’s been sentenced to spend a season on ‘“Jersey Shore” in Italy. Spoiler alert for “Jersey Shore”: in the dramatic finale, the Situation gets herpes on his Genoa salami. TLC canceled “Kate Plus Eight.” Kate Goselin will team up with Casey Anthony for a new reality TV show, “Kate Plus Casey Minus Eight.”

Ratings are down for “Dancing with the Stars.” That’s understandable. It’s hard to say whose wardrobe malfunction the audience is more worried about: Nancy Grace or Chaz Bono. The Mentalist is so perceptive, he can actually tell the difference between Erin Burnett and Erica Hill. “The Playboy Club” gets canceled after three shows. A bitter Hugh Hefner says, “I’ve had Viagra erections that lasted longer.” Christina Applegate is the star of “Up All Night,” a sitcom about a couple with a new baby. If Christina breastfeeds the baby, that will be some real acting. George Lopez lost his job as a late night talk show host on TNT. Things are so bad he had to take a job as Craig Ferguson’s pool boy.

The bad news: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie won’t make a run for president. The good news: he’ll still make a run to Krispy Kreme. The bad news: Sarah Palin says she won’t run for president. The good news: she’s considering another run at Glen Rice. Texas Governor Rick Perry likes to talk about seceding from the United States. It got so bad the other day his hairpiece seceded from his head. Michelle Obama shopped incognito at Target and picked up a copy of “One-Term Presidency for Dummies” by Jimmy Carter at 20 percent off.

I realize the Apple iPhone 4S announcement was a big disappointment. I still feel Steve Jobs
overreacted. Steve Jobs is not dead. He’s just extensively product testing the iCoffin.

I had the $5 three-piece chicken special at Aunt Sarah’s Pancake House. Aunt Sarah’s Pancake House is where the people of Walmart go when they want to make fun of people. “Ooh, he’s too fat.” The chicken wasn’t free range. It was sit on a couch, smoke a bowl and watch tiddlywinks on ESPN chicken. This chicken wasn’t organic. It had more antibiotics in it than a 60-year-old San Francisco AIDS patient.

September 2011 newsletter

chrismartincomedian — Tue, 13 Sep 2011 19:42:00 -0400

Welcome to the September, 2011 newsletter from stand-up comedian Chris Martin. This is the first issue and I hope to put out one every month to let people know what’s going on with my comedy in particular and the comedy scene in general, both locally and nationally. The biggest news in the Richmond, Virginia scene is the departure of several comics for other areas. People are always moving on. You can count on someone leaving for another city every three or four months. Stephen Bryant moved to Philadelphia more than a year ago. Blake Midgette moved to Austin, Texas last year. Erik Monical and Anthony McBrien moved to Chicago. The difference this time out is the relatively large number departing in a short period. John Reaves moved to Brooklyn in June. Patrick McCarthy headed out to LA in August. Joe Hafkey just left for Austin, Texas and Brian Mann took the train to Chicago.

John Reaves was a triple-threat: stand-up, improv and sketch. He and Omari Brown had a sketch comedy duo called The Undergrads. John was a high-energy likable guy who was ubiquitous on the RVA stand-up scene. Patrick McCarthy, when he wasn’t writing scripts and comix, was a regular on the RVA stand-up circuit after graduating from Virginia Tech. He was also a supporter of the Krakajokea East of Java joke-writing sessions which I ran last summer.

Joe Hafkey started Cafe Diem Comedy Night more than two years ago after the demise of the Sticky Rice open mic. Sticky Rice was one of the few open mics around, aside from the Pour House. If Joe hadn’t stepped up to fill in the gap, the RVA comedy scene probably would have lost momentum. Cafe Diem begat open mics at Fallout, Aztek Grill, City Dogs and McCormack’s Irish Pub as well as the open mic at the 9:55 Comedy Club. Joe was just getting started in that he had begun to do booked shows, most notably bringing Ben Kronberg of “Last Call” and “Jimmy Kimmel Live” and bringing back to Richmond Sara Schaefer and Blake Midgette. My exit interview with Joe should air on the “Too Soon” podcast. Brian Mann was a high school senior who revived booked shows at the New York Deli around December after a hiatus caused by Blake’s departure. Brian was also active in stand-up, sketch and improv. Although on the scene for a relatively short time, he was actively engaged.

This comedy diaspora is bound to have an effect on the Richmond scene. How much remains to be seen. Will the scene will lose momentum? Looking around at a recent Cafe Diem, I would estimate that only about a half of the people who started out more than two years ago are still active today. They’ve been replaced by new faces but I can’t say yet whether it’s a case of two steps forward, one step back. At its height, Cafe Diem would have 25 comics going up with five on the wait list. The August 29 Cafe Diem had 18, possibly due to the hurricane. The September 12 edition was back up to 24 but audience attendance was low. While there has been a proliferation of open mics, some of them such as Aztek Grill and City Dogs, died out last summer.

It’s been more problematic with booked shows. After two iterations, Comedy at the Camel is sleeping, if not dead. Underground Comedy at the New York Deli version 2.0 just went six feet under after someone complained about a black comic using the n-word. Strange Matter went toes-up after one show. Katrina Johnson revived it and it had a good run for six shows. Fortunately, scene maker Johnny Hugel picked up the banner of alt-comedy with The Midnight Suggestion every other month at Steady Sounds Records on West Broad Street.

Ironically, the Richmond Times-Dispatch just ran an article on the Richmond comedy scene. You can read it online here: http://www2.timesdispatch.com/entertainment/flair/2011/sep/01/tdweek08-a-man-walks-into-a-bar-in-richmond-ar-1277481/ Was this the high water mark for Richmond comedy or the first step to bigger and better things? Time will tell.

As for myself, I made it into the semi-finals last month of the stand-up category of the MakeAStar.com talent competition, which is an internet/cable hybrid. I’m about to enter the Andy Kauffman award competition for the second time. I didn’t enter last summer because I was doing a lot of out-of-town shows and got busy. I don’t normally do sketch comedy except for helping out John Reaves and Omari Brown on several of their Undergrads videos last year. I recently returned to sketch comedy for episode two of “Strange Bedfellows,” a webisode produced and directed by Johnny Hugel with local luminary Joey Tran as director of photography. Stand-up comics John Reaves, David Marie-Garland and Nathan Plummer are the lead characters. My role entailed a Saturday afternoon getting tracked while biking around Byrd Park by a DSLR mounted on the back of an SUV and one line of dialogue on set at Johnny’s house.

A lot of comedy biz these days gets conducted with the Internet and computers. Several years ago, I managed to hose Windows XP on my prehistoric used Dell Latitude C600 laptop which didn’t come with any way to restore Windows. Since then, I’ve tried several iterations of Linux, mostly Ubuntu, Linux Mint and Puppy Linux which supposedly work well with older computers. All of them insisted that the largest screen resolution I could work with was 800x600 even though the Dell is capable of 1024x768. When my last version, Linux Mint 10, started acting up, I tried Linux Mint 11 LXDE. Shazam, I had 1024x768 resolution. After nearly a year of working with the 10-inch screen, I now have so much real estate I feel I’ve moved into a 40-room mansion. The 256K memory means I can only open two or three tabs in Google Chrome before the Dell starts the equivalent of a computer wheezing, i.e. prolonged disk thrashing.

That’s it for this month. Have a great fall and see you in October.

Newsletter coming soon

chrismartincomedian — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 00:13:00 -0400

Newsletter coming soon:

More exciting than a double date with Dominique Strauss-Kahn and Charlie Sheen!

Stand Up Comic : August 2011, Chris Martin, Kevin Craft, MakeAStar.com online contests and Web-to-TV Talent Competition

chrismartincomedian — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 04:07:29 -0400

Stand Up Comic : August 2011, Chris Martin, Kevin Craft, MakeAStar.com online contests and Web-to-TV Talent Competition:

I’m in the quarter-finals of the stand-up comedy contest at MakeAStar.com. I’m not Rick James but vote for me, bitches!