January 11, 2011 set performed at Comedy @ MacCormack’s Irish Pub in Richmond, Virginia and various other places.

I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than Saif Al-Islam Gadaffi watching “Hang Em High” on Turner Classic Movies. Herman Cain admitted he quoted from Pokemon during his campaign. Shouldn’t he have been quoting from Pokewoman? For years, Newt Gingrich stayed away from WiFi because he thought it was short for Wife Fidelity. Rick Perry had 99 problems but he forgot 97 of them.

Mitt Romney has raised more money from billionaires than Barack Obama. Finally, he’ll be able to afford days-of-the-week sacred underwear. Michael Jackson had sacred underwear: size S tightie-whities. Mitt Romney’s opponents are beating up on him so badly he’s asked his relatives to smuggle him into Mexico. Romney is using Kid Rock’s “Born Free” as his campaign song. If he were an honest politician, he would have chosen “Fuck You Blind.” Romney has changed positions more often than Pamela Anderson.

I hope everyone had a great holiday. Lot of movies come out during Christmas. Nothing says Christmas release like a Steven Spielberg movie about a horse in World War I. Spielberg finished filming his Lincoln movie in Richmond and moved onto Petersburg. Spielberg asked Lincoln to come up with a jazzier name for the Civil War. I’m not sure Occupy the South is better. An actor kept coming up  to Daniel Day-Lewis, who plays Lincoln, and asking him if he was ready for his close-up. The only problem: the actor’s name was John Wilkes Booth. Jane Fonda got bamboo skewers for $1.69 from Kroger as a stocking stuffer for John McCain. For Christmas, I got Tim Tebow a copy of Christopher Hitchens’ book, “God is not Great: How Religion Ruins Everything,” kneepads and a ball gag. I got a quesedilla maker for Christmas. Now all I have to do is go to the Lowe’s parking lot and pick her up. I did return the Chia Vagina I got for Christmas. A lot of people returned the Barack Obama dildos they got for Christmas because it was long on promises and short on delivery. Bad ideas for Hanukkah gifts: Anthony Weiner matzo balls… the Anne Frank Easy-Bake Oven. 

Another New Year, the passage of time. When did Jamie Lee Curtis become Judi Dench? Damn you, Activia. Chow Yun-Fat’s New Year’s resolution: to become Chow Yun-Skinny. I drank so much on New Year’s Eve I used my Kindle Fire for kindling. It’s been a mild winter so far but I’m predicting a lot of snow. How much snow? More snow than in Billy Mays’ nose. I bought one of those Amish miracle heaters. You’d be surprised how hard it is to set those beards on fire.

Nick Cannon may need a kidney. If we’re lucky, Mariah Carey will donate a lung — preferably two. I knew Katy Perry would break up with Russell Brand once she started hanging out with Elmo. Once you go Muppet, you never go back. The FDA says Avastin doesn’t work on ovarian cancer… which is confusing, because I always thought Avastin was an erectile dysfunction drug for pirates. 

Thank you. My name is Chris Martin. Don’t forget to tip your bartender, Austin.