Late October 2011 set performed at Cafe Diem, McCormack’s Irish Pub and 9:55 Comedy Club open mics in Richmond, VA.
Last month was World Alzheimer’s Month. I wanted to observe it but I forgot. I just installed Linux on an old computer. Trying to find a good Twitter client in Linux is like trying to find an experienced hooker in Amish Country. An Amish clan in Ohio got arrested for the forced shaving of beards. The final straw was when they gave Kelly McGillis a landing strip. Wikipedia that joke.
The Million Moms group is pressuring grocery stores not to stock Ben & Jerry’s Schweddy Balls ice cream. So far, they haven’t taken a position on Brett Favre’s Schweddy Balls. I’m looking forward to Rosie O’Donnell’s Chunky Lesbian myself. I wonder what that tastes like? Chicken. Spoiler alert for “Jersey Shore”: in the dramatic finale, the Situation gets herpes on his Genoa salami. Ratings are down for ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ That’s understandable. It’s hard to say whose wardrobe malfunction the audience is more worried about: Nancy Grace or Chaz Bono.
The Mentalist is so perceptive, he can actually tell the difference between Erin Burdett and Erica Hill. Christina Applegate is the star of “Up All Night,” a sitcom about a couple with a new baby. If Christina breastfeeds the baby, that will be some real acting. Proof there is a God: “Charlie’s Angels” canceled. Proof there isn’t a God: “Hawaii Five-O” is still on. George Lopez lost his job as a late night talk show host on TNT. Things are so bad he’s trying to smuggle himself into Mexico.
Credit: Vanity Fair
Another horrible accident involving Dick Cheney. The former vice president mistook House Speaker John Boehner for a pumpkin and carved up his face. Texas Governor Rick Perry likes to talk about seceding from the United States. It got so bad the other day his hairpiece seceded from his head. Another Baptist pastor who supports Perry called the Mormons a cult. The difference between the Mormons and Scientology: about a hundred years. The Iraq War is winding down. However, we’re still fighting in Afghan valleys deeper than the crevasses in Christiane Amanpour’s face. A German satellite fell to earth over the weekend. In a fit of nostalgia, it tried to crash into Poland for old time’s sake and kill a few more Jews.
Google employees have an expression, eat your own dog food, when they talk about using their own product. The only problem with that: it tastes like Eric Schmidt. I realize the Apple iPhone 4S announcement was a big disappointment. I still feel Steve Jobs overreacted. Steve Jobs is not dead. He’s just extensively product testing the iCoffin. A photo of Michael Jackson in the nude was shown during the trial of his doctor. It’s the most people who have seen Jackson naked since the Baptist Choir of Harlem visited Neverland Ranch.
I had the $5 three-piece chicken special at Aunt Sarah’s Pancake House. Aunt Sarah’s Pancake House is where the people of Walmart go when they want to make fun of people. “Ooh, he’s too fat.” The chicken wasn’t free range. It was sit on a couch, smoke a bowl and watch tiddlywinks on ESPN 2 chicken. This chicken wasn’t organic. It had more antibiotics in it than a 60-year-old San Francisco AIDS patient.
My name is Chris Martin. Thank you. Don’t forget to tip your bartender.
