January 11, 2011 set performed at Comedy @ MacCormack’s Irish Pub in Richmond, Virginia and various other places.

I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than Saif Al-Islam Gadaffi watching “Hang Em High” on Turner Classic Movies. Herman Cain admitted he quoted from Pokemon during his campaign. Shouldn’t he have been quoting from Pokewoman? For years, Newt Gingrich stayed away from WiFi because he thought it was short for Wife Fidelity. Rick Perry had 99 problems but he forgot 97 of them.

Mitt Romney has raised more money from billionaires than Barack Obama. Finally, he’ll be able to afford days-of-the-week sacred underwear. Michael Jackson had sacred underwear: size S tightie-whities. Mitt Romney’s opponents are beating up on him so badly he’s asked his relatives to smuggle him into Mexico. Romney is using Kid Rock’s “Born Free” as his campaign song. If he were an honest politician, he would have chosen “Fuck You Blind.” Romney has changed positions more often than Pamela Anderson.

I hope everyone had a great holiday. Lot of movies come out during Christmas. Nothing says Christmas release like a Steven Spielberg movie about a horse in World War I. Spielberg finished filming his Lincoln movie in Richmond and moved onto Petersburg. Spielberg asked Lincoln to come up with a jazzier name for the Civil War. I’m not sure Occupy the South is better. An actor kept coming up  to Daniel Day-Lewis, who plays Lincoln, and asking him if he was ready for his close-up. The only problem: the actor’s name was John Wilkes Booth. Jane Fonda got bamboo skewers for $1.69 from Kroger as a stocking stuffer for John McCain. For Christmas, I got Tim Tebow a copy of Christopher Hitchens’ book, “God is not Great: How Religion Ruins Everything,” kneepads and a ball gag. I got a quesedilla maker for Christmas. Now all I have to do is go to the Lowe’s parking lot and pick her up. I did return the Chia Vagina I got for Christmas. A lot of people returned the Barack Obama dildos they got for Christmas because it was long on promises and short on delivery. Bad ideas for Hanukkah gifts: Anthony Weiner matzo balls… the Anne Frank Easy-Bake Oven. 

Another New Year, the passage of time. When did Jamie Lee Curtis become Judi Dench? Damn you, Activia. Chow Yun-Fat’s New Year’s resolution: to become Chow Yun-Skinny. I drank so much on New Year’s Eve I used my Kindle Fire for kindling. It’s been a mild winter so far but I’m predicting a lot of snow. How much snow? More snow than in Billy Mays’ nose. I bought one of those Amish miracle heaters. You’d be surprised how hard it is to set those beards on fire.

Nick Cannon may need a kidney. If we’re lucky, Mariah Carey will donate a lung — preferably two. I knew Katy Perry would break up with Russell Brand once she started hanging out with Elmo. Once you go Muppet, you never go back. The FDA says Avastin doesn’t work on ovarian cancer… which is confusing, because I always thought Avastin was an erectile dysfunction drug for pirates. 

Thank you. My name is Chris Martin. Don’t forget to tip your bartender, Austin.

My November 21, 2011 set at Cafe Diem Comedy Night in Richmond, VA with MC Josh Blubaugh, Wil Smith and Josh Horsford.

Video by Silver Persinger.

Additional material inserted in the front of mid-November, 2011 sets at the 9:55 Comedy Club, Cafe Diem and McCormack’s Irish Pub open mics in Richmond, VA:

I’m excited to be here at ______. How excited? More excited than J. Edgar Hoover getting a new Victoria’s secret catalogue in the mail. New movie debuts about J. Edgar Hoover. The most action-packed scenes were set in the thirties when Hoover nailed gangsters Machine Gun Kelly, Pretty Boy Floyd and Cross Dressing Willie.

Adam Sandler wears drag in his new movie, “Jack and Jill.” J. Edgar Hoover is spinning in his grave - probably in a tutu.
 
Big scandal at Penn State. Looking back, Jerry Sandusky paraphrasing Maurice Chevalier’s “Thank Heaven for Little Girls” at State College karoake night was probably a red flag.

The Russians have been desperately working to salvage their Mars moon probe. However, they admit they made their biggest mistake when they failed to make Ashton Kutcher their payload. The Catholic Church has a new translation: “coitus interruptus” now means “I walked in on the priest and the choir boy.”

11/11/11 was a big disappointment — especially for the binary curious.

According to news reports, Heavy D’s last tweet was “Be inspired,” which is confusing. I thought his last tweet was “Does Dunkin’ Donuts deliver?” Heavy D’s November 4 tweet was “Magic is just science we don’t understand,” which he ripped off from Arthur C. Clarke. I guess that makes him an UnOriginal Gangsta. Two waves spotted in a British Columbia lake were not the Canadian Loch Ness Monster. It was just New Jersey Governor Chris Christie dog paddling on vacation.

Material tacked onto the front of my sets at Cafe Diem, McCormack’s Irish Pub and 9:55 Comedy Club open mics

I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than the Iraqi ambassador bobbing for apples at Dick Cheney’s Halloween Party. [Disclosure: It turns out Stephen Colbert did a version of this joke last year but NewsMax did it even earlier, in 2008.] Good news: registered sex offenders in an Alabama county rounded up on Halloween and shown a movie. The bad news: the movie was “Lolita.” More nervous than German Chancellor Angela Merkel approached by a Greek panhandler. Greek protesters in front of the Greek parliament chanting “burn this brothel,” thereby insulting prostitutes everywhere. Unemployment in Spain reaches 21 percent. It’s so bad that Puss in Boots has to buy his boots at Payless. I used to have wet dreams about Thailand. Now with all the flooding I’ve had to sandbag my Bangkok. 

It’s hard to say who should be more ashamed: Linday Lohan’s probation officer, Kim Kardashian’s marriage counselor or Justin Bieber’s condom supplier. A group of Georgia militia members met at the local Waffle House to plot assassinations and bombing. Apparently they couldn’t get reservations at the International House of Terror. The first clue something was wrong: when they stopped blowing on the soup and started blowing up their soup. The second clue: when they showed up at 5:30 pm at the Southern States Cooperative for the early bird special on ammonium nitrate.

Late October 2011 set performed at Cafe Diem, McCormack’s Irish Pub and 9:55 Comedy Club open mics in Richmond, VA.

Last month was World Alzheimer’s Month. I wanted to observe it but I forgot. I just installed Linux on an old computer. Trying to find a good Twitter client in Linux is like trying to find an experienced hooker in Amish Country. An Amish clan in Ohio got arrested for the forced shaving of beards. The final straw was when they gave Kelly McGillis a landing strip. Wikipedia that joke.

The Million Moms group is pressuring grocery stores not to stock Ben & Jerry’s Schweddy Balls ice cream. So far, they haven’t taken  a position on Brett Favre’s Schweddy Balls. I’m looking forward to Rosie O’Donnell’s Chunky Lesbian myself. I wonder what that tastes like? Chicken. Spoiler alert for “Jersey Shore”: in the dramatic finale, the Situation gets herpes on his Genoa salami. Ratings are down for ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ That’s understandable. It’s hard to say whose wardrobe malfunction the audience is more worried about: Nancy Grace or Chaz Bono.

The Mentalist is so perceptive, he can actually tell the difference between Erin Burdett and Erica Hill. Christina Applegate is the star of “Up All Night,” a sitcom about a couple with a new baby. If Christina breastfeeds the baby, that will be some real acting. Proof there is a God: “Charlie’s Angels” canceled. Proof there isn’t a God: “Hawaii Five-O” is still on. George Lopez lost his job as a late night talk show host on TNT. Things are so bad he’s trying to smuggle himself into Mexico.

Credit: Vanity Fair

Another horrible accident involving Dick Cheney. The former vice president mistook House Speaker John Boehner for a pumpkin and carved up his face. Texas Governor Rick Perry likes to talk about seceding from the United States. It got so bad the other day his hairpiece seceded from his head. Another Baptist pastor who supports Perry called the Mormons a cult. The difference between the Mormons and Scientology: about a hundred years. The Iraq War is winding down. However, we’re still fighting in Afghan valleys deeper than the crevasses in Christiane Amanpour’s face. A German satellite fell to earth over the weekend. In a fit of nostalgia, it tried to crash into Poland for old time’s sake and kill a few more Jews.

Google employees have an expression, eat your own dog food, when they talk about using their own product. The only problem with that: it tastes like Eric Schmidt. I realize the Apple iPhone 4S announcement was a big disappointment. I still feel Steve Jobs overreacted. Steve Jobs is not dead. He’s just extensively product testing the iCoffin. A photo of Michael Jackson in the nude was shown during the trial of his doctor. It’s the most people who have seen Jackson naked since the Baptist Choir of Harlem visited Neverland Ranch.

I had the $5 three-piece chicken special at Aunt Sarah’s Pancake House. Aunt Sarah’s Pancake House is where the people of Walmart go when they want to make fun of people. “Ooh, he’s too fat.” The chicken wasn’t free range. It was sit on a couch, smoke a bowl and watch tiddlywinks on ESPN 2 chicken. This chicken wasn’t organic. It had more antibiotics in it than a 60-year-old San Francisco AIDS patient.

My name is Chris Martin. Thank you. Don’t forget to tip your bartender.

Cafe Diem Comedy Night Oct. 24, 2011 in Richmond, Virginia featuring MC Leo Mairena, Ray Bullock, Chris Martin, and Ben Grant. Video by Silver Persinger.

For more information about this open mic comedy night in Richmond, Virginia, visit their Facebook page,

Mid-October, 2011 set performed at the 9:55 Comedy Club, McCormack’s Irish Pub and Cafe Diem open mics in Richmond, VA.
 
It’s Columbus Day. If you really want to get into the spirit of Columbus Day, rob a Seven-11 and kill the owner. Last month was World Alzheimer’s Month. I wanted to observe it but I forgot.
 
I’m excited to be here. How excited? More excited than Amanda Knox at an orgy. Good news: Amanda Knox’s murder conviction is overturned. Bad news: she’s been sentenced to spend a season on ‘“Jersey Shore” in Italy. Spoiler alert for “Jersey Shore”: in the dramatic finale, the Situation gets herpes on his Genoa salami. TLC canceled “Kate Plus Eight.” Kate Goselin will team up with Casey Anthony for a new reality TV show, “Kate Plus Casey Minus Eight.”

Ratings are down for “Dancing with the Stars.” That’s understandable. It’s hard to say whose wardrobe malfunction the audience is more worried about: Nancy Grace or Chaz Bono. The Mentalist is so perceptive, he can actually tell the difference between Erin Burnett and Erica Hill. “The Playboy Club” gets canceled after three shows. A bitter Hugh Hefner says, “I’ve had Viagra erections that lasted longer.” Christina Applegate is the star of “Up All Night,” a sitcom about a couple with a new baby. If Christina breastfeeds the baby, that will be some real acting. George Lopez lost his job as a late night talk show host on TNT. Things are so bad he had to take a job as Craig Ferguson’s pool boy.
 
The bad news: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie won’t make a run for president. The good news: he’ll still make a run to Krispy Kreme. The bad news: Sarah Palin says she won’t run for president. The good news: she’s considering another run at Glen Rice. Texas Governor Rick Perry likes to talk about seceding from the United States. It got so bad the other day his hairpiece seceded from his head. Michelle Obama shopped incognito at Target and picked up a copy of “One-Term Presidency for Dummies” by Jimmy Carter at 20 percent off.

I realize the Apple iPhone 4S announcement was a big disappointment. I still feel Steve Jobs
 overreacted. Steve Jobs is not dead. He’s just extensively product testing the iCoffin.
 
I had the $5 three-piece chicken special at Aunt Sarah’s Pancake House. Aunt Sarah’s Pancake House is where the people of Walmart go when they want to make fun of people. “Ooh, he’s too fat.” The chicken wasn’t free range. It was sit on a couch, smoke a bowl and watch tiddlywinks on ESPN chicken. This chicken wasn’t organic. It had more antibiotics in it than a 60-year-old San Francisco AIDS patient.
 
 

Welcome to the September, 2011 newsletter from stand-up comedian Chris Martin. This is the first issue and I hope to put out one every month to let people know what’s going on with my comedy in particular and the comedy scene in general, both locally and nationally. The biggest news in the Richmond, Virginia scene is the departure of several comics for other areas. People are always moving on. You can count on someone leaving for another city every three or four months. Stephen Bryant moved to Philadelphia more than a year ago. Blake Midgette moved to Austin, Texas last year. Erik Monical and Anthony McBrien moved to Chicago. The difference this time out is the relatively large number departing in a short period. John Reaves moved to Brooklyn in June. Patrick McCarthy headed out to LA in August. Joe Hafkey just left for Austin, Texas and Brian Mann took the train to Chicago.

John Reaves was a triple-threat: stand-up, improv and sketch. He and Omari Brown had a sketch comedy duo called The Undergrads. John was a high-energy likable guy who was ubiquitous on the RVA stand-up scene. Patrick McCarthy, when he wasn’t writing scripts and comix, was a regular on the RVA stand-up circuit after graduating from Virginia Tech. He was also a supporter of the Krakajokea East of Java joke-writing sessions which I ran last summer.

Joe Hafkey started Cafe Diem Comedy Night more than two years ago after the demise of the Sticky Rice open mic. Sticky Rice was one of the few open mics around, aside from the Pour House. If Joe hadn’t stepped up to fill in the gap, the RVA comedy scene probably would have lost momentum. Cafe Diem begat open mics at Fallout, Aztek Grill, City Dogs and McCormack’s Irish Pub as well as the open mic at the 9:55 Comedy Club. Joe was just getting started in that he had begun to do booked shows, most notably bringing Ben Kronberg of “Last Call” and “Jimmy Kimmel Live” and bringing back to Richmond Sara Schaefer and Blake Midgette. My exit interview with Joe should air on the “Too Soon” podcast. Brian Mann was a high school senior who revived booked shows at the New York Deli around December after a hiatus caused by Blake’s departure. Brian was also active in stand-up, sketch and improv. Although on the scene for a relatively short time, he was actively engaged.

This comedy diaspora is bound to have an effect on the Richmond scene. How much remains to be seen. Will the scene will lose momentum? Looking around at a recent Cafe Diem, I would estimate that only about a half of the people who started out more than two years ago are still active today. They’ve been replaced by new faces but I can’t say yet whether it’s a case of two steps forward, one step back. At its height, Cafe Diem would have 25 comics going up with five on the wait list. The August 29 Cafe Diem had 18, possibly due to the hurricane. The September 12 edition was back up to 24 but audience attendance was low. While there has been a proliferation of open mics, some of them such as Aztek Grill and City Dogs, died out last summer.

It’s been more problematic with booked shows. After two iterations, Comedy at the Camel is sleeping, if not dead. Underground Comedy at the New York Deli version 2.0 just went six feet under after someone complained about a black comic using the n-word. Strange Matter went toes-up after one show. Katrina Johnson revived it and it had a good run for six shows. Fortunately, scene maker Johnny Hugel picked up the banner of alt-comedy with The Midnight Suggestion every other month at Steady Sounds Records on West Broad Street.

Ironically, the Richmond Times-Dispatch just ran an article on the Richmond comedy scene. You can read it online here: http://www2.timesdispatch.com/entertainment/flair/2011/sep/01/tdweek08-a-man-walks-into-a-bar-in-richmond-ar-1277481/ Was this the high water mark for Richmond comedy or the first step to bigger and better things? Time will tell.

As for myself, I made it into the semi-finals last month of the stand-up category of the MakeAStar.com talent competition, which is an internet/cable hybrid. I’m about to enter the Andy Kauffman award competition for the second time. I didn’t enter last summer because I was doing a lot of out-of-town shows and got busy. I don’t normally do sketch comedy except for helping out John Reaves and Omari Brown on several of their Undergrads videos last year. I recently returned to sketch comedy for episode two of “Strange Bedfellows,” a webisode produced and directed by Johnny Hugel with local luminary Joey Tran as director of photography. Stand-up comics John Reaves, David Marie-Garland and Nathan Plummer are the lead characters. My role entailed a Saturday afternoon getting tracked while biking around Byrd Park by a DSLR mounted on the back of an SUV and one line of dialogue on set at Johnny’s house.

A lot of comedy biz these days gets conducted with the Internet and computers. Several years ago, I managed to hose Windows XP on my prehistoric used Dell Latitude C600 laptop which didn’t come with any way to restore Windows. Since then, I’ve tried several iterations of Linux, mostly Ubuntu, Linux Mint and Puppy Linux which supposedly work well with older computers. All of them insisted that the largest screen resolution I could work with was 800x600 even though the Dell is capable of 1024x768. When my last version, Linux Mint 10, started acting up, I tried Linux Mint 11 LXDE. Shazam, I had 1024x768 resolution. After nearly a year of working with the 10-inch screen, I now have so much real estate I feel I’ve moved into a 40-room mansion. The 256K memory means I can only open two or three tabs in Google Chrome before the Dell starts the equivalent of a computer wheezing, i.e. prolonged disk thrashing.

That’s it for this month. Have a great fall and see you in October. 

More exciting than a double date with Dominique Strauss-Kahn and Charlie Sheen!

I’m in the quarter-finals of the stand-up comedy contest at MakeAStar.com. I’m not Rick James but vote for me, bitches!