May 2012
3 posts
18 tags
More nervous than Mitt Romney's dog
May 12, 2012 set
I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. More nervous than the Romney dog when it’s time to go on a family vacation in Canada. Barack Obama’s new campaign slogan is, “A chicken in every pot and a drone strike in every Pakistani village.” The Obama campaign is raising money by selling Barack Obama dildos. They’re long on promises and short on deliver. Obama promises to...
10 tags
More nervous than a prostitute on a date with a...
May 5, 2012 set
I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than a prostitute on a date with a Secret Service agent. A Confederate Secret Service agent got in trouble with a Columbian prostitute - he paid - but with Confederate money. What’s worse, he kept saying he would rise again - but he never did. Newt Gingrich promised to put a base on the moon but he dropped...
6 tags
April 2012
1 post
9 tags
Justin Bieber in your mouth
My April 2, 2012 set
This is an audience participation set. After I say a joke, I want you to say, these are new jokes, people. Everyone enjoy Saint Patrick’s Day? Saint Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. Sadly, he was unable to drive the Roman Catholic priests out of the altar boys’ anuses. Guinness says it’s ale is brewed in Dublin. That explains why it tastes like...
March 2012
1 post
It's Just This Little Chromium Switch Here
That title is a Firesign Theatre reference. Although not as famous as Monty Python, the Firesign Theatre was just as brilliant if not more so They were a San Francisco comedy collective in the sixties and seventies who made a series of brilliant albums. Sadly, Peter Bergman of the group just died. While going to Knox College 1967-1971, I had all their records.
OK, I promised I would send this...
February 2012
3 posts
8 tags
Bradley Cooper's girlfriend's nickname for his...
My February 29, 2012 set
I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than a U.S. Navy delphin searching for mines in the Strait of Hormuz. More nervous than Janeane Garofalo walking by a Brazilian waxing salon. I miss the good old days of the Oscar red carpet when Joan Rivers slagged Janeane Garofalo for looking like a thrift store explosion survivor. Zach Galifianakis...
6 tags
More nervous than Janeane Garofalo walking by a...
February 16, 2012 set
I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than a U.S. Navy dolphin looking for Iranian mines in the Strait of Hormuz. More nervous than Janeane Garofalo walking by a Brazilian waxing salon. My penis sent a card to my hand on Valentine’s Day but my hand tore it up — so my penis cut him off. I want to be the first man to put his penis...
29 tags
Snorting cocaine off the whale tails of porno...
Stand-up comedian Chris Martin’s set at the 9:55 Comedy Club’s open mic February 6, 2012 and Daddio’s, the Current, McCormack’s Irish Pub and Pie in Richmond, VA:
Our next comedian refuses to watch any Super Bowl that doesn’t have a team playing with a derogatory Native American nickname. I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? My mouth is...
January 2012
3 posts
26 tags
A lap dance from Rosa Parks
January 25, 2012 set at Comedy @ the Current in Richmond, VA and various other places:
I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than a ham hock around Paula Deen. More nervous than Sandra Bullock on an Italian cruise. More nervous than a U.S. Navy dolphin looking for Iranian mines in the Strait of Hormuz. More nervous than a 10-year-old boy in a Penn State locker...
6 tags
WatchComedy Night @ McCormack’s January 25, 2012 in Richmond, Virginia featuring MC Michal Ketner, Shawn Werely, Chris Martin, and Remo.
Video by Silver Persinger
29 tags
When did Jamie Lee Curtis become Judi Dench?
January 11, 2011 set performed at Comedy @ MacCormack’s Irish Pub in Richmond, Virginia and various other places.
I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than Saif Al-Islam Gadaffi watching “Hang Em High” on Turner Classic Movies. Herman Cain admitted he quoted from Pokemon during his campaign. Shouldn’t he have been quoting from Pokewoman? For years,...
November 2011
4 posts
8 tags
WatchMy November 21, 2011 set at Cafe Diem Comedy Night in Richmond, VA with MC Josh Blubaugh, Wil Smith and Josh Horsford.
Video by Silver Persinger.
12 tags
11/11/11 was a big disappointment - especially for...
Additional material inserted in the front of mid-November, 2011 sets at the 9:55 Comedy Club, Cafe Diem and McCormack’s Irish Pub open mics in Richmond, VA:
I’m excited to be here at ______. How excited? More excited than J. Edgar Hoover getting a new Victoria’s secret catalogue in the mail. New movie debuts about J. Edgar Hoover. The most action-packed scenes were set in the...
11 tags
More nervous than German Chancellor Angela Merkel...
Material tacked onto the front of my sets at Cafe Diem, McCormack’s Irish Pub and 9:55 Comedy Club open mics
I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than the Iraqi ambassador bobbing for apples at Dick Cheney’s Halloween Party. [Disclosure: It turns out Stephen Colbert did a version of this joke last year but NewsMax did it even earlier, in 2008.]...
30 tags
Trying to find a good Twitter client in Linux is...
Late October 2011 set performed at Cafe Diem, McCormack’s Irish Pub and 9:55 Comedy Club open mics in Richmond, VA. Last month was World Alzheimer’s Month. I wanted to observe it but I forgot. I just installed Linux on an old computer. Trying to find a good Twitter client in Linux is like trying to find an experienced hooker in Amish Country. An Amish clan in Ohio got arrested for...
October 2011
2 posts
9 tags
WatchCafe Diem Comedy Night Oct. 24, 2011 in Richmond, Virginia featuring MC Leo Mairena, Ray Bullock, Chris Martin, and Ben Grant. Video by Silver Persinger. For more information about this open mic comedy night in Richmond, Virginia, visit their Facebook page,
30 tags
I wanted to observe World Alzheimer's Month but I...
Mid-October, 2011 set performed at the 9:55 Comedy Club, McCormack’s Irish Pub and Cafe Diem open mics in Richmond, VA. It’s Columbus Day. If you really want to get into the spirit of Columbus Day, rob a Seven-11 and kill the owner. Last month was World Alzheimer’s Month. I wanted to observe it but I forgot. I’m excited to be here. How excited? More excited than Amanda Knox at...
September 2011
2 posts
21 tags
September 2011 newsletter
Welcome to the September, 2011 newsletter from stand-up comedian Chris Martin. This is the first issue and I hope to put out one every month to let people know what’s going on with my comedy in particular and the comedy scene in general, both locally and nationally. The biggest news in the Richmond, Virginia scene is the departure of several comics for other areas. People are always moving on. You...
1 tag
Newsletter coming soon →
More exciting than a double date with Dominique Strauss-Kahn and Charlie Sheen!
August 2011
3 posts
2 tags
Stand Up Comic : August 2011, Chris Martin, Kevin... →
I’m in the quarter-finals of the stand-up comedy contest at MakeAStar.com. I’m not Rick James but vote for me, bitches!
6 tags
Thanks for stopping by →
If you’d like a Google+ invite, follow the link.
15 tags
Hipsta's Paradise
Komedy Karaoke
Hipsta’s Paradise (to the tune of Coolio’s Gangsta’s Paradise)
August 1, 2011 aty Joe Hafkey’s last open mic at Cafe Diem Comedy Night, Richmond, VA
This is Joe Hafkey’s last open mic at Cafe Diem Comedy Night. It’s a shame because Joe has helped change the face of stand-up comedy in Richmond and he was just getting started. Joe is moving to Austin,...
July 2011
6 posts
14 tags
Lifetime piling up
Image via Wikipedia
Queen Elizabeth once referred to a particularly bad year as “annus horribilis.” Lately, it’s just been anus. Even then, it’s always helpful to remember that things could be worse. You could be Blake Midgette, for example. Blake is a former Richmond, VA comedian who was Gone to Texas — Austin, specifically, last year. There he managed to contract a staph infection and...
8 tags
Pontius Pilates, the guilt-free way to nail the...
Image via Wikipedia
Transcript of set performed at open mics at Cafe Diem, McCormack’s Irish Pub and the 9:55 Comedy Club in Richmond, VA.
My birthday is Friday. I’m so old I thought Spotify was something you got on your liver. I’m so old that I can remember when Suicide Girls were a website rather than your baristas at Starbucks.
Here’s a headline from InTouch Magazine: “‘Teen Mom’...
9 tags
WatchComedy Night at McCormack’s July 13, 2011 in Richmond, Virginia featuring MC Andrew Coalson, Andrew Pauley, Chris Martin and Leo Mairena by Silver Persinger.
6 tags
Watch9:55 Comedy Club open mic July 11, 2011 in Richmond, Virginia featuring Andrew Pauley, Leo Mairena, and Chris Martin by Silver Persinger.
13 tags
WatchCafe Diem Comedy Night July 6, 2011 featuring Andrew Pauley, Chris Martin and Cree Moon (video by Silver Persinger)
13 tags
More nervous than Russell Crowe at a circumcision
Image via Wikipedia
My set at Cafe Diem Comedy Night, the New York Deli, McCormack’s Irish Pub and the 9:55 Comedy Club open mic.
The next comic to do a Casey Anthony joke gets a free roll of duct tape. I’m always nervous before I do stand-up comedy. More nervous than Russell Crowe at a circumcision. I just got out of the hospital. I was planking when I started to rickroll and fell off a...
June 2011
5 posts
7 tags
Too Soon: John Reaves: the exit interview →
toosoonshow:
If I get busted in New York, the freest city in the world, that will be the end of my career.
- Lenny Bruce
Too Soon with Chris Martin interviews John Reaves, moving to New York City from Richmond, VA to pursue comedy and music. The interview took place June 29, 2011 at John’s…
14 tags
Roger Ebert is a bigger pussy than Garfield
Image via Wikipedia
Supplemental material for sets to be performed in late June and early July, 2011:
Roger Ebert apologized for tweeting “friends don’t let Jackasses drive drunk” after the death of Ryan Dunn in a car crash. Let’s face it, Roger Ebert is a bigger pussy than Garfield.
Ever walk down the street and find a CD someone has thrown out their car? That has to...
12 tags
A fish called Rwanda by Chris Martin on mufin.com →
My latest stand-up comedy album taped earlier this year free on Mufin.com.
6 tags
Trouser snakes on a plane
Image via Wikipedia
Stand-up comedy set performed at Cafe Diem Comedy Night in Richmond, VA June 20, 2011
A man got arrested for masturbating on a United Flight. A movie is already in the works: trouser snakes on a plane. The Pillsbury Doughboy celebrated his fifty-first birthday. Sadly, he never recovered from getting poked by the Michelin Man. His only consolation is that the Michelin Man used...
May 2011
2 posts
11 tags
They changed the name to Colonial Depths
Image via Wikipedia
Additional material written for sets at Benny’s in Colonial Heights, VA and Underground Comedy at the NY Deli as well as the 9:55 Comedy Club in Richmond, VA
It’s good to be back in Colonial Heights. The last time I was here, I bombed so badly, they changed the name to Colonial Depths. The Department of Homeland Security now uses only two colors in their terror...
13 tags
Death looks like Steven Tyler warmed over
Cover of Kirstie Alley
Bad news: Japan is radioactive. The good news: they finally have a use for all those lead toys from China. At a time when we’re worried about earthquakes, is it really a good idea for Kirstie Alley to be on “Dancing with the Stars”? Steven Tyler doesn’t look so hot. In fact death looks like Steven Tyler warmed over. French police arrest Muslim women...
April 2011
1 post
13 tags
Watch“Charlie Sheen has a nationwide tour called ‘The Violent Torpedo of Truth.’ Curiously, that was also my porn name.” Stand-up comedian Chris Martin reveals a sordid secret April 4, 2011 at the 9:55 Comedy Club open mic in Richmond, VA. Ray Bullock is the MC.
March 2011
7 posts
30 tags
Watch“The only way Charlie Sheen’s tour could be more over the top: if he had tag-team wrestling between Zsa Zsa Gabor and Anthony Robles. I knew that joke didn’t have a leg to stand on.” Stand-up comedian Chris Martin gets off on the wrong foot March 23, 2011 at McCormack’s Irish Pub in Richmond, VA. Jesse Jarvis is the MC.
(via Chris Martin: the greatest man from...
13 tags
Watch“The bad news: tsunami hits Japan. The good news: swirlies are on the house.” MC John Reaves bestows the Too-Soon Award on stand-up comedian Chris Martin March 14, 2011 at Cafe Diem Comedy Night in Richmond, VA.
6 tags
I'm calling for a no-fly zone over Libya
Image via Wikipedia
My set at the New York Deli’s Underground Comedy and Cafe Diem Comedy night in Richmond, VA
I’m calling for a no-fly zone in Libya and a no-Charlie Sheen zone on the Internet. Charlie has a new sitcom called “That’s So Raving.” Possible new movies for Charlie: “The Sheening,” “The Maladjustment Bureau” and...
8 tags
“Charlie Sheen is the new Dorian Gray. I...
13 tags
Watch“Charlie Sheen is the new Dorian Gray. I tried to get a transfusion of Tiger blood but he kept hitting me with his golf club.” Stand-up comedian Chris Martin wades into the Adonis DNA gene pool March 13, 2011 at Underground Comedy at the New York Deli in Richmond, VA, presented by Brian Mann. John Reaves is the MC.
6 tags
“We just celebrated Presidents Day. We...
3 tags
WatchChris Martin at the first Midnight Suggestion on Thursday, February 24 on the second floor of Steady Sounds. Followed by music from Don Wade.
Part 3/4 - Midnight Suggestion @ Steady Sounds - Feb. 24, 2011 - Richmond, Virginia (by Silver Persinger)
February 2011
6 posts
7 tags
“Bill Murray saw his shadow on Groundhog...
12 tags
Watch“He puts the ‘ha’ in ‘Stendhal Syndrome.’” MC Gradt Mutge introduces stand-up comedian Chris Martin at the Midnight Suggestion, presented by Johnny Hugel and Steady Sounds February 24, 2011 in Richmond, VA
7 tags
“I’m going to read the fictional...
“He puts the ‘ha’ in...
7 tags
Watch“I’m going to read the fictional memoirs of a lovable alcoholic. I haven’t decided whether it’s going to be Snooki or George W. Bush.” Stand-up comedian Chris Martin eases into 2011 in this set February 23 at Strange Matter in Richmond, VA.
2 tags
Convo with Anthony McBrien 2/20/2011 - Comedy... →
Interview with Chicago stand-up comedian Anthony McBrien
January 2011
5 posts
2 tags
Convo with Jeff Curran 1/30/2011 - Comedy Confo... →
Chris Martin interviews stand-up comedian Jeff Curran.